I read a blog of someone today. She spoke of things that resonate deeply in me as well. Feeling responsible for having things done to me, like i deserved it or brought it on myself. Feeling like I have to do something somehow to recieve love and give love. I feel so crazy at times because of how long i have struggled with this. I do not even know really how to even identify where it comes from. My trouble is also i am savvy enough to know intellectually what i need to do and what i need to let go. Internally and emotionally though I feel all locked up and stuck like I am in a maze of mirrors and can't find the way out.
I cannot do anything to make God love me anymore. I cannot do anything to make God love me any less. I believe this but part of me struggles to believe it, mainly for me. Somehow I ingrained certain beliefs and emotional reactions that imprison me from just living freely in love grace and peace. I will have to process this more as i seek to write it out. I know all too well how to writr and talk about these things, but not when i am doing it from a place where I am alking about the seeming nonsense and wackiness of it. I internalized a mechanism of feeling helpless and unable to handle certain things and i think this is the root. I get all flustered when i think of death and get to a point where i just let it be blank and go on, not thinking about it until the next time it comes up. This has been ongoing inside my head for a longggggggggg time. My mind knows it is irrational and unrealistic to let fearing death be such a roadblock, even knowing Jesus has overcome death as something to fear. Somehow something in me feels like I may lack faith,obedience,love and perseverance to really *make it* once I die. Hopefully working through it more again will help. If you stop by and understand or relate to this please comment. Thanks!!!