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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, December 17, 2006

no fear no mo

*perfect love casts out all fear, he who fears has not been perfected in love for God is love and there is no fear in love* That verse has always jumped out at me probably because as long as i can recollect i have had a hard time with fear. I dont fully know why either.... as i think back i can see the classic roots of both environment and genetics. i think I was wired from even in the womb as a *highly sensitive person* More research is being done on this, showing it is a true condtion physiologically and not just a matter of emotions and temperament. i have always been sensitized to loud noises, as well as other peoples emotions even ones they tried to hide. i had a grandma who was a worrier, very fearful and overprotective as well as an alcoholic. She played a primary role in my life from day one because my mom and dad both worked and also because of my dad illness with cancer.

I can remember her always warning me to not get hurt , to watch out for bad kids, (she thought ALL kids were bad kids) and seeing her make facial expressions and movements as well as sounds which i just felt as fear. When my dad died of cancer it was like a needle popping a bubble...... safe was no longer in my vocabulary i had to find a way to create safety, whatever that meant in my 8 year old highly sensitive mind. i was an introvert even as a kid and so it was easy to craw linside my own skin,,,, let my inner mind just try to keep safe from the scary stuff *outthere* I think i developed a case of what is known as *magical thinking* believing my thoughts attimes made thing happen. i used to go to the bathroom at night or outside with the trash and would get this sensation of fear inside like any second someone would get me. It happened at home , a relatives, neighbor , if we were at an amusement park... anywhere. very odd but it happened all the time. i have always had like this *inner protector* in my mind which always tried to make sure everything was safe. I had a habit of checking my pulse near my temple anytime i felt anxious making sure i felt it and that it wasnt going crazy.

i think this relates to an imcomplete view of God. i had a strong ability to pick up things intellectually rather quick. i think i was ahead of myself when younger mentally-wise,,, but waaayyyyyyyyy behind emotioanlly, although i could fake it pretty good. I grew up catholic as i have posgtef before and took deeply to heart the reality of God and Jesus in so far as i could understand then. However when my dad died, i think emotionally i coudnt grasp it my inner self was screaming....WHY GOD WHY????? YOU LET PEOPLE DIE AND LEAVE LIL KIDS BEHUND YOU LET THEM DIE TO YOUNG YOU DONT PROTECT THEM YOPU DONT CARE I think this is close to that inner voice because I covered over it long ago. I KNOW in my mind God loves all of us, that it wasnt Him who made my dad die, who let ANYONE die..... and the truth we know about sin and suffering and salvstion. but, my 8 year old inner self couldnt comprehend that and thus has struggled with fear ever since.

i struggle NOW because i have grown and found God responding so many ways to me throughout life..... seen Him do it in countless ways to so many lives..... and yet my particular struggle remains.... partly because i hammer myself by my thoughts. *Your 45 you should have been over this when you were 16*....... *what kind of minister are you you dont even have real faith look at how afraid you get* i could go on and on with examples of this destructive self-talk. I so want that verse to be true for me. help me O God to do what i need to do so that Your perfect love and peace are solidly in me and remove my fear!!!!!

Let me know if this resonates with any of you also anything that has allowed this verse to be realized for you. i appreciate all responses. Anyone who likes to email or chat on Imi have them both listed. i thankGod for blogging, such a powerful outlet!!!


At 7:22 PM, Blogger Melissa said...

Of course I can relate to fear, the fear of loss, the fear of something after me, the fear of not being enough for someone, the fear of not measuring up. Fear has fueled many of my decisions for people pleasing. "Perfect love casts out fear..." I hear that but I don't perceive in my own life. I don't make it tangible. I can believe it for you Robert or for any other number of people. I can tell you that that verse is true and that you should just let go, but I don't actualize it in my own life. My preacher is doing a study in Malachi on Wed. nights and he is talking about the first problem God has with his people is that they think He doesn't love them...my preacher went onto say that it is that belief that causes all our other actions in life. How true?...and how often do I truly believe God has abandoned me, so many others have...I can completely relate and yes blogging is such a relief and joy for my soul. God bless and Merry Christmas!


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