self sabotage

Thinking about intimacy with God the other day a friend commented and led me to think even further about why and how i avoid this myself. I believe a good portion of the reason is to avoid disappointment and letdown. My dad died of cancer when i was 8. I had no idea he was terminally ill he and my mon chose to not tell my sister and I this for what to them were good reasons im sure. But... when he did die it came as a shock and i think in my 8 year old mind/emotions trying to get a grip on it i became scared that by having intimacy let it be God or people could cause a major hurt to happen like losing my dad to death. This is a hard thing to get a handle on for me somehow. I know in my mind the reality of death happening and why and we all have it happen but that doesnt fix the emotional pain of it or free me from the pain i felt as an 8 year old boy suddenly with no father. I often wonder how this has affected my view of God and how i relate to Him emotionally. Ikts like im afraid somehow he will die and disappear as well as my earthly father did. I KNOW thats crazy but remember im not speaking from my MIND here but from my heart and I have lived almost 45 years on this earth struggling to bridge the gap between my understanding and my emotions. I hope these thoughts strike a chord with some of you or if you see me as needing to be put in a rubber room well let me know!!! LOL i just hope a few stop by and share their ideas on this issue.