wanting to be like jacob afraid to be like jacob

Stirrings and more stirrings within today. Barbara asked a couple great questions on her blog.... describe 2006 in one word then describe how you want 2007 to be. So much of what i am reading lately, and various experiencesd with people and situations. I definitely understand in a way i never could back in Bible College what my one professor meant when he said the older he got he realized the less he knew. Certainty is such a huge thing for us, especially in our 20's i think ready to tackle the world. Solid understanding of what the *truth* is and we were going to make sure we get that across. I have been slowly gaining a newfound appreciation for more........ oh it pans me to say it...... *liberal* understandings of Christianity and God. O wow i said the *L* word and survived!! LOL

Last night i was feeling uneasy and discomforted over various things. I realized in trying to get a grip on how i face my fears, that I chose to be in denial a great deal of possibly the biggest fear of all .......... GOD!!!! I can hear a former Bible college professor saying to us in class once... how dare anyone be afraid of God!!!!! making it sound like the unpardonable sin or something. I may be a lil dense, but a Being who brings severe plagues upon Egypt, who destroys sodom and gomorrah into ashes, who caused the Flood, and of whom it is said,,,, *it is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the Living God* well I think THAT GOD just might garner a smudgeon of fright and fear from this lowly soul.... ya think????

I think i struggle with *survivors guilt* to an extent. meaning from my dad and grandma. Why them and not me???? I remember i had a deep foreboding for the longest time after turning 21 every year as i came closer to 30 the age my dad was when he died. None of this is rational. In my rational mind of course i understand all the reasons for why my dad died and everything pertaining to it..... but part of me, and all of you, is NOT rational. I remember I was one of the only ones in my neighborhood that i knew of as well as my school , to have lost a parent to death. made me feel a lil different, though i knew it happened to others. Death never seemed to be talked about, it was just assumed that thosewho died went to heaven. i think not talking about it led to my emotional struggles because while i wanted to just accept the hope and promise of seeing my dad and grandma again in heaven one day, various questionings and wonderings ate away at me inside, but I always tried to push them away, thinking i should be strong enough to not be bothered by fears and doubts or anything to discourage my *mental toughness* When i am reading the Bible, in sunday school, as a teacher or listener, in a worship service, surrounded by friends talking about our faith and such, God is genuinely evident and it's like how can there be anyone who would doubt????

But..... when i am alone, usually at night, and just laying still or sitting in my chair it hits me do i really know God is there???? will he be there to accept me into His heaven and love me as i am??? Is He ashamed, annoyed,angered and fed up with me because of all the ways i mess up even though i have such a blessed life in comparison to so many others in the world. I wonder if maybe my deepest fear of being rejected by Him because i lacked faith and courage and obedience will come to pass and all the pain i feared of happening to me which i tried to avoid either by running from it or disconnecting in my own head would find me and make me pay. These might sound like ramblings of a psycho but they are genuine thought struggles i experience in my seekingto come to grips with God and His holiness ion my failure to be holy as He is holy. Jesus prayed right before He was taken away to be crucified, *not My will but Yours be done* to His Father. Praying that prayer for me ..... is tantamount to drinkiong poison and seeing what will happen..... terrifying to realize God might take me up on it!!!!! I want to totally surrender to Him and be a *living sacrifice* yet i want it to happen in a very fun, pleasant happy way where all of a sudden Im dead and in heaven painless as can be hurrah!!!!! Something tells me if Jesus was crucified,,,, if God Himself let His Son go through all that pain and agony hmmmmm how can i possibly think or wonder that i will not in some way. And thats the rub........ I dont want to go through it!!!!! yet, a small part of me does... that part comes out in some very unexpected ways.. certain scenes in movies or on tv or ion books or stories people tell..... i find myself moved in a way that can only be from God.

Holy Almighty God..... You know everything... even as i type this You know. You know my deepest fears... regrets and failures You know my fear of not living up to what You expect of me my difficult time accepting grace and even love from You. Help me to honestly pray everyday that Your will be done and not mine and that i will relax in knowing i am safe and secure in Your will being done and that i wont be punished and placed in some agonizing torture chamber because of my sins that Jesus paid the price for me and He keeps His Word..as do You. help me to surrender to You all the things in me that cause me to fear You in a way that i shouldnt. take away any idols and things i let stand in Your way from transforming me into all You want my life to be. Do this even though i may fight You and try to hide from You, all the silly games played when wanting to hold onto sin or self.... help me to be like jacob and wrestle You keep wrestling You because in doing THAT.... we CONNECT.... and that has to be one of the most amazing things You could ever allow anyone to experience ever!!! i praise You for being the God You are!!!!!! In Jesus Name Amen!!!!!!