being 'stuck'

Still marinating my thoughts about self-sabotage. and thanks very much for all who commented and any who looked in. I am a psych major although not currently in school and so have had a long time of dealing with the whole nature vs nurture environment vs genetics debate that endlessly goes on. One of my early memories is going to an amusement park as a kid i think i was 5 and seein ga ride called the 'wild mouse' basically a small rollercoaster. My sister who was 2 my dad and i all went on it dont ask me how a 2 yr old got on this ride maybe because we were in new jersey and my dad was a cop!!! LOL anyhow.... I was scared and didnt like how i felt on the ride while my lil sis loved it!!!! AS life went on it seems like i was always a lil more shy hesitant and fearful about things than my sister. To go with this. i had a grandma who was an alcoholic and i later learned favored boys over girls. My dad struggled with skin cancer he originally got while in the army and so was in and out of hospitals quite a bit.... my mom was a fulltime nurse so i spent a large amount of my formative years with my grandma and she was extremely overprotective and exuded a spirit of fear and getting hurt by other people or the world out there.

I wonder about these influences NOT as a means of casting blame..... who knows what caused my grandma to become like she was or why my dad got skin cancer and it stayed with him the rest of his short life. I just see how i feel 'stuck' in this inner web of fear alot of the time. Before i turned 30 I always had a struggle with an irrational fear i would get cancer and die as my dad did. i think maybe this was a means of connecting with him somehow. i KNOW God is in control Jesus overcame death and sets me free fro mit and gives me eternal life BUT somehow my emotional/heart side of me struggles wondering if I have had enough faith i havent been obedient enough I let things shake my confidence to much and so much junk that just makes my head spin. I wonder if all of us have our own.. 'unique to us' struggles like theones ive shared and whether we will ever overcome them on this side of eternity sometimes i think i expend to much energy on getting rid of these struggles as opposed to just spening time and energy enjoying loving and praising Jesus and Almighty God!!!!!!!!

Im so glad to have begun writing on here again always feels good to post and wondr who out there might stop by. I also very much love to see the awesome people who blog as well and have such incredible lives to share!!!! feel free to share as you like and if you ever wantto email me or talk on messenger im open to either or both!!!!