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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, December 28, 2006

control and shame

Odd combination of words there??? Might be so, but they both have been swirling inside my mind lately after reading books, blogs,articles and hearing sermons which spoke to both issues in varying levels and degrees. it is almost a new year..... lots of reflection is the norm as it approaches. The good , bad,ugly and everthing in between. Giving up control is something i think any of have to deal with on a neverending basis, even if we may not realize it. *In the beginning God means exactly that, NOT in the beginning Bob, or whatever name you choose. It truly ticks us off, even as christians lots of times, to realize He and not we are the ultimate captains of our fate and fully in charge. We tend to prefer a different methodology in pursuing the living of life, one that would be alot more pain-free and trouble-free. I know i have sought that way way to many times to mention, funny how to often i ended up creating way more pain and trouble in ways i had not foreseen despite my best laid plans.

Shame is one of the deadliest enemies of the soul i think. Shame causes us to shrink away from grace, to deny forgiveness as possible to wallow in self-disgust and emptiness. I think it hits even harder when you have very established standards and believe you have a certain level of integrity, and then,due to whatever inner demons which stir within, you find yourself committing actions and behaviors you never imagined you could commit. You consider the questions that come from family and friends who wonder how and why you could do such things, and you feel as though God looks down and shakes His head wondering how he went wrong with you. I find it weird how I am affected differently at different times. My one post the other night had me deeply emotionally moved as i wrote. yet, i sit here writing in very similar fashion of something that hurts just as deeply but i am not in the same emotional place as before. It's amazing how God can work so quickly at times to bring a sense of healingand peace, yet at the same time seem to offer nothing but stunned silence and aloofness, yet both accomplish His purposes in precisely the way He intends them too.

We all have sins we struggle with, even if we have been christians almost 70 years or more. Some of us struggle with the same ones over and over, others conquer ones just to have new ones pop up. I read a devotional by brian Jones, author of *Second-guessing God* (great book imho) and he talked of sin being like dandelions, just as you think you have one decimated all of a sudden 3 or more sprout within. Shame strikes and tries to snuff out our joy and hope accusing us of being hypocrites,liars and unworhty to call ourselves His...... the louder the accusations and stronger they shout, the further we can sink down down into despair. Thankfully, God breaks through that darkness and lets us know He forgives and loves and desires us regardless and doesnt even SEE our sin..... because Jesus blocks it from His view. I wish i could pour out all the times I have felt as though i had run out of time and was lost to the darkness. yet Jesus reached down, somehow and someway, and picked me up to help me know ultimately i was ok because of Him. Usually alot of the times He has done that is because of people, who shared themselves, their pain, their shame, their despair.... and how somehow hope stayed alive because Jesus made it so.

I know i will battle wanting to take control as well as dealing with issues of shame in my life..... but man o man I thank God and Jesus that they make it possible for me to share and recieve from others to find hope and help and know that He will be there with me .

2 Comments:

At 10:28 AM, Blogger Pam Hogeweide said...

good writing robert.

Shame causes us to shrink away from grace

this is beautifully said. i'm quite sure i'll be quoting this in conversation and writing. Is it yours?

I'm currently reading Brennan Manning's Ragamuffin Gospel. Grace, grace and more grace. I thought I knew Grace. I know her for others...but not so much for myself. Shame often robs me of being embraced by grace. But I am choosing these days to let Grace find me, to come into the shadows of my inner life and shower me with her affection as only God's grace can.

Good blogging Robert......

 
At 1:35 PM, Blogger Robert said...

Pam-

thank you my fellow portlander!!! As far as I know i thought it up as i was typing, because i know that is how shame feels to me, but I'm sure someone else stated it somewhere lol I am in the same boat with you Pam, sure is a very natural thing to acknowledge Gods grace for and to others, totally different story when applied to moi. babysteps lil by lil.

 

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