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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

day by day

Godspell has alot of good songs, this is one of them. It also happens to be wise counsel, take things day by day. It is hard when you have areas of life, emotional/relational/spiritual, that you thought had been dealt with but surface again and reveal more unfinished business. I have someone extremely close to me going through what can only be described as a hellish ordeal. My heart breaks but due to whats involved I cannot do much other than be there with my love and support. Just hurts, really hurts.

I am twisted inside over the areas I have prayed about, struggled over and have had so many prayers offered up and encouragement given. I want to love and be loved. I have always and very much still struggle with fear. Everytime I look at writings to aid me in overcoming fear I see fear/love paired as opposites. It says by that love should conquer and replace fear. Ok, well, I have lived almost 47 years now. I have clearly struggled so much with fear in various ways for different reasons. I have loved and been loved, does my fear somehow dicount my love and my ability to love??? It is that all or nothing deal again. Does love grow in the ability to give it and recieve it over an entire lifetime??? It makes me feel stuck inside. I want to love and overcome the fear yet I beat myself up for even having the fear to begin with and just how to let God take it and live just overcoming it day by day.

i guess at the root of my dilemma is, do all of you face the same struggle in your own ways??? I mean do you see and have a sense in your self of how you want to be and what the ideal is, yet you always see it lays just out of reach to where you want to be??? In a way I want to qualify this question because on one level it seems obvious. I mean it at the gut level though. Do you think/feel/believe life will always be a struggle to reach living in love as God wants for us and the realization of that allows for a peace to let worry go knowing its ok to accept the limits and frustrations of whatever it is that fights us in seeking to love???

I also hope to become stronger in making health decisions. I have type 2 diabetes as well as congestive heart failure and high blood pressure. Today I got another gout attack which had me wincing and wanting to be knocked out by morphine. Still need to drink water and only water as much as possible, but fight it and rationalize that I am barely over the line between type 2 and normal blood sugar. It wont be a fun thing if all of a sudden i hear my dr telling me my foot needs to be amputated due to diabetes worsening. For some reason i am way to good at denial of this. Maybe the pain of gout is a wakeup call. Help me to be more health-conscious O God. Thanks to all who inspire always by sharing your own journeys.


At 10:48 AM, Blogger The Troll said...

Wow. I'm sorry to hear about all those health problems, brother. Makes my recent whining about high blood pressure seem childish.

I think you're prolly way more advanced than me on the Love thing but I did read 2 Peter 1-7 last night.

At least for me, it's helpful to look at as a process of steps like that. I know I'm WAY shy of the final "Loving Everyone" stage.

But maybe by working on the steps, I'll get there someday.

At 1:43 PM, Blogger Robert said...

hey mr troll brother-

high blood pressure is a big deal, hope you get it under control. I have actually had it since I was a kid, I am amazed at times God has let my heart keep pumping all the stress I put it under. I am with you on being a long way from the ultimate loving all stage. I just find it helps me to share my inner stuff in writing on here, and to know others can read and relate. Thanks for stopping by again.

At 2:09 AM, Blogger Shaz said...

Now I am a little angry with you matey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cant believe you are not looking after yourself better? I will tell your mum on you mr!
Please take care of yourself you are young and full of love and life you need your HEALTH i know that better then any one so you better listen up;)

At 5:43 AM, Blogger Awareness said...

robert do you have one of those insulin pumps that regulates the insulin throughout the day? This has really helped a friend of mine......maybe you should look into it .... it sounds like it's a good way to control the sugar levels instead of it controlling you.

At 10:12 AM, Blogger Robert said...

shazzie- yes my matey i know very well you know better than anyone and I intend to do better, definitely want my health. So thrilled still for all your positive reports shazzie!!!!

dana- good idea that may be a very good thing to look into. Right now this gout is killing me, any pressure at all on my right foot and I agonize grrrrrrrrr thank you for your wisdom dana


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