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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

This and That

Had my mail machine malfunction today. Makes time tend to slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww soooooooooooooo wayyyyyyyyyyyy downnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn yuk. Hate when time almost moves to a snails pace at work boringggggggggggggggggggg lol Gave me time to think,pray and contemplate though not bad things. Last post contained some stuff. I had a commenter ask me some very pertinent questions. I guess in many ways I have shame and guilt that are like magnets over my struggle with fear and death. Part of it that in all these years I rarely have had anyone tell me they have the same struggle. Usually it has been that they have found a peace and have no such fear. Or they tell me I am just neurotic or whatever, and many just give no response to it. In researching attitudes toward death it showed a whole lot of denial. It is pretty much the universal subject no one likes to thiok about or be forced to face. We all have to come to a realization about Jesus and His resurrection. A huge part of me aches that I haven't just let the Spirit just sweep me away and remove any and all semblance of fear. I think I have some shame in how I talk about having this fear. Why is it there and so huge like a dinosaur???/ I also have the piece of me that just wants to bare all and let God in His grace get me over the hump.

Life or death. Choose one. Who wouldn't choose life...................right??? Sure seems like alot of us are schizo then because we make choices for death many times a day. Oh it doesn't seem that way in bold neon light ways, but we do. We also choose life alot everyday. The apostle Paul talked about *doing the bad he didnt want to do and not doing the good he did want to do* He didn't extrapolate on this, so we are left to wonder. *By their fruits ye shall know them* is a verse in Scripture that talks about how to know what kind of a person someone is. Well according to Paul, who was one of the most amazing people in all the Bible, it isn't being sinless that is meant there because he obviously has *goodfruit* Is there a litmus test to knowing the *goodfruit*??? This is a question to be pursued more and so many more as well. I never know how many people stop in and read here. I am thankful fo any and all who do. It is very helpful to share myself on here. Persevere journey goes on.


At 9:46 PM, Blogger Gypsy said...

Just keep the faith Robert for you shall win eventually. All in good time and when the time is right.

At 9:00 PM, Blogger Gary Means said...

Hey bro, I have no answers for you. I have little enough faith for myself as it is. But even in my state of spiritual anemia, I still do believe, at least at some level, that God does love us.

I don't think I struggle as much as I used to about being a good Christian. Perhaps that's because I gave up on Christianity. I hear so many of your questions and your fears coming out of Christianity.

I am not saying that I no longer look to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit as my only hope. It's just that I have been so burned and burned out by the Church that I have to start over. And that leaves all of my questions and fears on the table. Not a comfortable process, especially because I came to faith many years ago looking for comfort.

Peace, bro.

At 9:13 PM, Blogger Robert said...

gypsy sweet lady- see told you there were 2 wise aussies hehe keepin the faith always!!!

gary bro- hey buddy ty so much for stopping in. I hear you man. I am in flux as well, feeling like brian maclarens latest book,everything must chamge. I don't think it is Christianity you are rejecting brother, it is stuff that gets in the way of the Trinity only thing constant is change here's to moving forward day by day

At 3:59 AM, Blogger Shaz said...

I have enough faith for both of us Honey so dont you worry. lol
I pray for you daily and believe that you have to believe in you as God does see in you what he sees and do not be afraid.
Faith in yourself is just as important as faith in him.
Thinking of you always
Love and Light xx

At 7:33 AM, Blogger bjk said...

I'm with Shaz praying for you that is....

At 8:37 AM, Anonymous Paul K said...

Hey Robert,

Thanks for taking time to consider my questions. I too have found it difficult to talk about with other believers. It seems that most of the time folks just don't understand.

In an attempt to help they try and offer solutions which ammount to "What you should do is...,or, If only you did x,y, or z...then you would have victory" Pray more. Read more scripture. Trust God more. Face your fears. Confess you sins. Repent. Repent again. Face your fears some more. Love yourself. Etc...ad-nauseam. I know folks mean well, but what all that ammounts to for me is, "Your doing it wrong. Try harder. Try different. Try some more." And underneath that is the subtle pressure to get it right, now mixed with the sense that I am blowing it. It's all just another variation of "It's your fault."

So, in the words of Bill Clinton, "I can feel your pain..."

Truth is I find that it is difficult to talk about because, like secular society, our Christian culture idolizes images of power and fearlessness. It is considered a shameful thing not to be able to fix yourself.

Something I discovered in my battle with fear is that it wasnt just fear that troubled me, it was the idea of what fear could take from me that terrified me most. To be named a "fearful" person ammounted to disgrace, humiliation, rejection, failure, dishonor, and ultimately isolation. I have discovered that for me the struggle is not so much with fear as it is this message of shame and loss that fear seems to promise.

In truth I have thinking alot about this subject latley as it relates to the fall. If your interested in checking out some of my thoughts on the subject click on the Fall of Adam series.

My thoughts and prayers are with you brother, glad to have connected with you.

At 5:51 PM, Blogger jennypo said...

Hey Robert,

I didn't know Paul K had stopped by here. I was going to give you this link to a post of his:


His thoughts on guilt and shame are surprising and excellent.

Don't give up. God's not finished with you yet. You don't have to be perfect in order for him to be satisfied with you. There's no rush to get where you're going, because he has already mapped out the journey. Keep holding to him!

At 9:11 PM, Blogger Robert said...

shazzie thanks matey you know how much you and your prayers mean to me.

becky- thank you so much my friend always keep you in prayer as well and so thrilled we will keep sharing the journey

paul- hey man so much of what you say hits home hope you read my newest post about needing a father i think so much of my shame and guilt are tied into ways I coped with not having a father as well as ways I messed up by seeking things in an unhealthy way still seeking to overcome guilt asd shame from that very cool to have connected with you as well

jennypo- so good to hear from you you always inspire me i definitely will keep onseeking Him and to accept He accepts me where i am at


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