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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Needing a Father

I have got about 4 or 5 books on losing your father and being fatherless. I lost my father in 1969, he was 30, I was 8. My sister was only 5. I have had a few discussion with a friend recently on how kids are affected by not having a father growing up. I know it definitely has effects, i think it is different for each person because our personalities, environments and influences are all so varied and multi-dimensional. I just came across a book by Donald Miller who wrote blue like jazz. It recieved many positive reviews on amazon. May decide to get it.

My mom lost her dad when she was young. She was raised by her uncle, as well as a stepfather. I know they were definitely not outwardly expressive types and not ones to demonstrate physical or verbal affection. My dad also lost his own father at a young age i believe, and his mom was an alcoholic and had many emotional issues. I can recall my dad being a very expressive man and he loved to wrestle around and play as well as be verbally accepting. I wonder about how I have been influenced by not having him present with me to guide me into the dos and donts of becoming a man.

I was told once by a counselor i had, that my deepest and most powerful fear was not of death, but of women. It seemed strange at the time, but i see where it made sense. I did not have many male role models growing up. i even was given a male teenager specifically in 4th grade just so I would have one. I don't recall him much except his name was Mr Mitchell and i think he was a good teacher. i was very shy always, even as a young kid. The girls in school somehow picked up on this and so i was easily made to be embarrassed by them if they chose to tease me in whatever way they wanted.

I have not had many girlfriends in my 46 years. I have had a few, but it didn't last long. I have always had a problem of my head being overwhelmed by *what if's* and worries about whether I could do what i needed to make a relationship work. Let alone the basic insecurities about my looks which i have shared on here many times. As time has gone on i learned ways to be more comfortable with girls and possibilities of relationship, but those deep, nagging fears still lie in the shadows, al;ways ready to reappear if need be. I really understand cyrano more and more. He had a deeply romantic soul, yet felt imprisoned within a physical body which prevented him from being able to express it and find a woman with whom he could be with. I find it very comfortable to write or talk on the phone with girls and express flirtation or romantic thoughts and expressions. Face to face is a whole other matter. I was engaged once so I managed it somehow lol

I was just touched inside by seeing donald millers book and some of the reviews it got. I thought of how I have struggled with God as my Father and even though I know He is way different from my earthly father, emotionally there have been distortions and misconceptions of how He feels about me and relates to me. I am so thankful and elated by so many special friends who have given me incredible wisdom,support,advice and encouragement in handling some of the struggles i share on here. That is a major reason why i love having discovered blogging. So many people I otherwise would never have met.

If anyone stops by who lost their father at a young age or if you have any thoughts about this, love to exchange emails. This is something I think is part of regrouping and beginning again in life, something i have heard all people go through at some point once they get older. I want a continual renewal. Sharing about my fears and my being stuck has helped to bring fresh winds. To assist in repenting of old things and turning a new direction to allow newness to surface and arise. Repenting is something that should happen all throughout life to stay vital and vibrant. All it means is to turn from something that hinders and brings us down and to turn and embrace something good, right and uplifting. Praise God He always is present and always seeks us to grow,mature and enjoy life as He intended it to be, knowing we may gfo through long periods of pain, hurt and bewilderment perhaps before we find the direction and path He laid out.


At 5:18 AM, Blogger Gypsy said...

You know Robert, I cannot even begin to imagine growing up without my Dad and so cannot be very helpful in this regard. However, I can tell you that from what I know of you through both our blogs and our emails, your Mum has done a fine job in raising a wonderful and caring man.

You are very special and once you begin to believe that yourself you will find so many of the things you are afraid of will start to subside. That is the God's honest truth.

At 11:42 AM, Blogger Paul K said...

Hey Robert, I resonate with your thoughts about the absence of a father. Though I did not lose my father and so cannot fully appreciate the loss that you carry, my dad was and is just absent. I was, and am, invisible to the guy. Really sucks.

John Elderidge once wrote that he remembers wishing as a child that his absent father would die. It's a horrible thought, and one that always troubled him. Later on though he realized it was because he was longing for some "legitimate" reason to validate his sense of loss and abandonment. I so related to that.

Anyway, I do have some thoughts on the whole dad subject and would love to dialog with you. My e-mail is keenermons@hotmail.com
I think we both could benefit and look forward to hearing from you. Make sure you title your e-mail with your name and a reference to this link so I don't reject your message as junk.

p.s. I like your assesment of repentance.

At 6:48 PM, Blogger Robert said...

gypsy- merci sweet mademoiselle. I think the things you speak of are in process my dear friend, and being able to share so openly and interact with people really helps it to occur more and more. Meeting you sure was one of the major highlights of 2007!!!

paul- hey man thanks much. I shall be emailing you soon to discuss things further. Very glad to have found you on here.

At 2:52 AM, Blogger Elle (Tracy Simmons) said...

I feel so fortunate that I had a dad growing up, though he died when I was 18 years old. I often miss my dad still (over 30 years later!), so cannot imagine what it must be like to lose your dad as a child. I always comfort myself with the fact that at least I have some good memories of him from my childhood and even more good memories from my teen years. You know you always hear that women marry their father? Well, in my case I think it's true. My husband is a wonderful and warm, compassionate man, and I see many of my dad's traits in him, though I obviously didn't go consciously looking for those!

Well, anyway, here's to hoping you come to know "Daddy" above more and more with every passing year.

At 9:51 PM, Blogger Shaz said...

Loosing my dad at 12 was the most devastating thing in my life and considering some of the things I have been through that says a lot.

I think thats why for years I was taken advantage of by older men. If I was to psyco analyse myself I wanted a father figure from then on and I found that in my husband at 15 years old he was 24 he was the opposite of my dad though.
He was hard and strict and quite abusive it took me a long time to become independant I did what i was told for a long time.
I still miss him its awfull but I have moved on (having my moments) and tried to make him proud any way.
I try not to dwell on things I cant change.
Stay well my friend and be strong you are a catch for any woman so dont be shy.
AND for the record you are a handsome man who should not be insecure with her looks.


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