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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Learning to Unlearn

Blessed be the Name of the Lord!!!! I love that song and I want that to be my hearts cry always. Being stuck is a bummer when it happens. I titled this post what i did because it is a prayer and a desire I want to have happen. I have stated ad nauseum on this blog my struggle with fear, particularly fear of death which also I think is linked to fear of abandonment. I think I felt like I had to identifyu this fear way back when i was young. For me having my dad die unexpectedly, because i didn't know he was terminally ill so it came as a total shock. I think my mind then saw the definite possibility that anyone could die at any moment, especially those closest to me like my mom or sister. I had other people in my life who were very close die. It had nothing to do with me but that irrational part of me let crazy thoughts float in my head. I have this thing where I feel like I wil be tested by God because of my fears and somehow i will crumble at the testing.

I don't know how to just let go and live fully realizing Gods love frees me from fear. I think a major stumbling block also is that I have been a believer since 16 and have struggled with fear which I had since I'm not sure what age. The Bible says perfect love casts out fear and as we get to know God better, fear melts away. See the dilemma??? Why has the fear stuck around like this, when i have sought to seek God more and more ??? This goes along with the being hard on myself part as well.

Another thing is as soon as I feel like I let it go I get a sense that a deathlike experience will happen and there i am, forced to face it and trust God will lead me through it. Am I supposed to feel a certain way??? Faith is not feelings, so does it matter if i feel like i don't want to go through any of these things yet they are inevitable. I want to rest in God and Jesus being with me always, Jesus suffered so how can I be so resistant and scared of it??? I want to let Him help me to have His peace transcend the fear so i can cease feeling/thinking of myself as *the one who fears death* anymore!!!! How to accomplish it???? I cannot will it, I cannot force it. God does it, He gives the peace. Help me let any and all barriers to recieving Your love grace and peace so I will live in gratitude always.


At 10:29 PM, Blogger Paul K said...

Hey robert,

My name is Paul. I found your blog reading Crockpot Faith. I can relate to your struggle. Fear has been a real difficult and persistent problem in my life, one I had hoped faith would erradicate. Not so. Not that faith has'nt helped, it just has'nt cured me.

My struggle goes way, way back. Used to have panic attacks as a child before I even knew what they were. Sucks big time.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing is that I wonder if I am percieving correctly when I gain the sense that this struggle with fear is for you a great source of shame?

I wonder if you struggle, as have I, with a sense of pressure to "figure out" whats wrong with you combined with a nagging sense of failure?

Appreciate your thoughts and look forward to your response.

At 6:49 PM, Blogger Robert said...

hi paul- so cool you found me via smitty. yes i can say i have an underlying sense of shame that has stuck inside me a long time over this. God has used sharing and good people to help with alot of that. My own internal sense of pressure to be *over it* also has played a big role. I will be writing about more things along these lines. Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting brother.


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