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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, February 11, 2008

I wonder

I wonder why it is *getting stuck* seems to be a chronic occurrence. I love reading all the vast amounts of blogs here in the blogosphere and all the stages people are at in the journey of life. Some seem like they can just tackle anything at any time and come out better,wiser,stronger and more fulfilled. Some seem like regardless of what they do, hurdles and snags lay everywhere tripping them up. Others seem to stay in the middle and avoid getting too high or too low. Still even more it seems we can all experience these stages many times in a single day!!!!

I wish I had a device i could switch on and it would keep me in *Im blessed, life is great, God is good, nothing will stop me Im charging full speed ahead and letting joy and gratitude be all I experience and give at all times* Actually my *critical parent* in my head rattles off that I SHOULD have all this going on all the time. I have that constant chatter that reminds me of all the past ways I failed to do as I knew to, and how I might mess up in the future. I have been a christian for a longggggggggggggg time now shouldn't I have a LOT more maturity down pat by now and be over so many of these emotional problems and immature attitudes and actions??? So need to be able to forget about me, let all those fears go by realizing death is just a transition into a different dimension with God. I get so trapped by feelings. Feelings can be so incredible but they can be wrong and false as well!!!! I read a book where it was talking about the self, the ego and how it tries to keep itself protected saying *stay away from God Hes a killer* well of course He is....... killer of the self that is fallen so the new self united with Jesus can live!!!

Wrestling with God is a very good thing i will say once again. Talking about my struggles, no matter what they may be and how long i have had them doesn't matter. He is helping prune me and develop the good stuff within. Our entire lives are a battle to grow and will be till we get taken into glory. The whole *fast food* notion of our culture just doesn't work for spiritual growth. Stops and starts, forward 2 steps backwards 3 always pursue and persevere. I wonder if I answer my own questions while talking in these posts??? :)


At 9:47 PM, Blogger jennypo said...

"Still even more it seems we can all experience these stages many times in a single day!!!! "

Ain't that the truth! I guess whether we look like we've got it all together, can't get it all together, or are on the way to getting it all together depends less on who we are, and a lot more on WHEN we tell the story. I tend to tell my stories after I have perspective, which is usually after I've learned something and am at least on the way towards getting my act together. If you ask me about it when I'm in the middle, it's usually just a big "Aaagh", so I don't bother writing much. Perspective comes to me later, and the lesson learned is the most salient part of my experience.

You, on the other hand, write the "Aaagh" as a way to deal rather than as an attempt to communicate your experience. Sure, you're sharing the process with us (thanks!), but the writing's a lot for you, isn't it? It doesn't mean you are stuck there any longer than anyone else - it's just that you are chronicling the "stuck" period. This is actually a lot more helpful in the long run for someone who is in the same boat as you.

I love to read books written by Isobel Kuhn, a missionary to China who grew up here on the west coast. Most missionary stories tell about difficult times and then skip to the "victory" stage, but Kuhn always tells how she is confused and messes up along the way. It helps me to understand HOW she ends up triumphant. I learn something practical instead of just wishing I were as spiritually mature.

There's no shortcut when we are following God, and he never wonders why we haven't got it yet. If only I could be as patient with myself as he is with me. Keep running after Him and learning who He is, and you'll forget all about yourself and your mistakes. That's exactly when he will be able to change you. It's impossible to quit being afraid by commanding yourself to, but as your knowledge of the One who is taking care of you grows, fear will naturally fade.

He knows that we are made of dust. What a kind and merciful God we have!

At 11:35 PM, Blogger Robert said...

jennypo- wow!!! always love it when you stop by here. I really like your descriptive adjective aaaghhhhhhhhhh :)

you are right in many ways i do write for myself. I process as i write. I do write for others in that I seek to share a commonality or recieve a response of *yes i can relate*

I say a loud hearty amen to how patient. kind and loving God is!!!

At 9:10 AM, Blogger bjk said...

And you know what anytime we compare ourselves or our relationship..we or let's say I get in trouble......He's personal enough to meet you where you're at....we read someone's post and we have only the barest glimpse of what goes on for and in them.....keep wrestling bro...b

At 8:16 PM, Blogger Smitty said...

God does meet us where we are at, thank goodness! We just have to let Him in. Robert, you know I am wrestling right alongside of you. There's something about writing about the struggle that seems to help think things through, providing perspective on things. What's amazing to me is that in the midst of wrestling with God, God is going to stick it out. He's not going to give up on us. That's pretty cool!

At 9:28 PM, Blogger Robert said...

bjk smitty- thank you both of you have been constant encouragers and yes it is so cool He will not quit on us and abandon us even if we would do it to ourselves


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