More Wrestling

We are studying the book of Isaiah in sunday school right now. Very tough book to get a full grip on as he prophesies about things that happen in the future for his time, but then could be things that had happened from looking at the historical record. Our need for faith was brought up, if faith was not needed God could not be who He is because we would know everything and therefore be His equal. it is a weird paradox how that works, recorded history is all about man's search for answers, but if we had all the answers then we really wouldn't be human created beings would we???

I am beginning to read *The Shack*, thanks to recieving it as a gift from a very sweet friend. Hoping God will use it as He has for so many others, to aid me to more fully realize His amazing love and grace in the parts of me which for whatever reason have some kind of barrier that hasn't let Him fill me fully as He wants to. Wrestling with Him definitely is something i need more of. My whole struggle is becoming more broken down and clarified in my mind day by day. My fear comes from being afraid of pain and punishment. Pain from a mixture of the physical/mental/emotional/spiritual. Fear from wondering that my actions/obedience have not been *enough* to meet Gods standard. Fear from wondering that God will punish me because i didn't just accept the reality of possibly experiencing anything imaginable as part of the price of being human in a fallen world, and because I didn't just handle my fathers dying at a young age and mature as i should have.

i have seen more how childhood experiences impact us deeply inside, but the handling of my own internal image of myself is something I have so long struggled with but have kind of glossed over because with my logical mind I knew the real answers and so on. I learned to bury my emotional issues about certain things way down deep, even though alot of how i lived and made choices in life reflected a desire to overcome the very fears and pain i felt so deeply. How do I just *rejoice in the Lord always*??? i know with my mind, is there a way to know with my heart soul and strength that i need to tap into??? I have been seeking to have small chats with Him about things like this at work. *Fix my eyes upon Jesus*, *trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding* (thanks shazzie!!!) My mind so knows these verses like the back of my hand, but my heart/inmost self struggles so much to let them be true. God is GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Somewhere along the way i let various things cause me to mess with realizing that and knowing He always wll be to me.

Grace is the most amazing reality in existence and what separates Christianity from any other belief system. My fear factor kicks in again over my own sinful choices though. Gods grace covers me, does it also even when I commit compulsive sins or addictive sins??? Is there a standard of behavior that needs to be held to, especially for one who aspired to be a leader, still does??? i ask these questions in an open manner because i have a struggle inside as opposed to my mind. Several thoughts flash across my mind,some of the choices made because I thought they would ease pain or bring pleasure and relief, not wanting to go against God but still ends up being so according to what are shown to be fleshly indulgences in Galatians. How to get past the fear/punishment mindset and stay in the grace/Spirit mindset??? How to accept perfect love???? Realizing He knows my searching, my questioning and my desire to have my heart closer to His. I feel His grace in lil glimpses bit by bit, must be prayers offered by lovely friends helping out. Not to mention my own.

Wrestling with God is a good thing. Growing is very good. I am so thrilled He led me to blogging so I can mature surrounded and helped by a crowd of fantastic people!!!!