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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, January 19, 2008

How

There are wonderful people here in blogland. Amazing and just fantastic!!! it is jawdropping at times to go to a page and see a post that somehow just touches you in a place you long to have reached but could never ask for or express without a blushing selfconsciousness. God is wrestling with me via peoples posts and comments.

I have wanted to make a *glossy finish* cover over reality, for God to always make everything work together for good as it says in Romans chapter 8. God is good all the time, all the time God is good. My problem is I have let these weeds of emotional questioning fester inside and instead of uprooting them tried to hope they would just be removed by spiritual osmosis or something. Fear as a way to deal with the harsh realities of life just became an instinctive response for me internally to manage things. Death will happen, cold reality yes it will. No need to fear it because Jesus died for us and resurrected to give us eternal life, But, He asks us to obey, to believe in a way that seems to go beyond our ability to some extent. Age-old question every generation asks why so much sufering??? why evil??? does God cause us to believe and obey ultimately or do we choose to???

Choice choice choice. Why is it so hard to accept that choice and freedom are His gifts to us as humans??? i am not wanting to make this a selfdespising post in any way shape or fashion. I just am challenged at my root by so much i have read and so much i have gotten from good freinds and caring people. I have the tension inside of the flesh/spirit tug-of-war. Don't we all??? I want with all my heart to love God and love people, and also i want to tell God to just chill and let me do as i please,let me get to things on my own timetable or whatever and i hate that. I have been given the book *tired of trying to measure up* as a resource, is it perfectionism to look at the standard Jesus points to in the Gospels and to be selfcondeming when it isn't reached??? How did peter change from the one who told Jesus He must never go to the cross, the one who denied Him 3 times to being one of the major leaders of the early Church and martyred by being crucified upside down???

I think a major part of why i am so hard on myself is because, again, I have so feared having to face a life threatening illness like cancer which killed my father. Or scared to face what i percieve to be emotional/spiritual/relational challenges. Funny how when some actually happen God seems to give me a peace and confidence from somewhere, like with my heart troubles. I have made so many wonderful connections on here, so scared that by sharing the way i do on here it will make people get annoyed and leave. I have a pattern of self-sabotage i think, afraid to have something reject or abandon me that i really care about and love and so i do it to myself as a protection mechanism. I don't want to continue that pattern. I don't want to lose people or progressive changes i have made and am heading towards. It hurts so bad to feel like I have made so many wrong choices and still deep inside have so much childish ways in me especially in choosing to live as an adult in accepting my freedom and choices to make in that freedom. God please continue to wrestle with me and help me to realize Your love in the most genuine way You can. Help me to learn to not be so hard on myself and to really be able to hear Your voice and to choose to live in response to it. Thank you beyond any words i could ever say for the special people and friends You have given me on here. Help me to love and be loved God. Thank You for letting me cry and feel Your call to feel You.

5 Comments:

At 3:55 AM, Blogger Shaz said...

Robert this is a beautiful post and The prayers you have sent out wont be lost. Like I have said before anyone you scare away aren't worth worrying about free will gives us choices and we learn from those choices at least most of us do. Stay positive honey but feel free to share just as you do because it is who you are and most of think as you do sometimes but are to afraid to admit to it. So your one step ahead already my friend.

 
At 4:33 AM, Blogger Shaz said...

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6


Just thought this was fitting sweet friend xx

 
At 7:51 PM, Blogger Robert said...

shazzie oh my sweet friend you sure know how to warm a heart!!! thanks sooo much for your kindness your encourtagemtnt and your caring!!! Love your proverbs quote it sure does fit!!!! I am thankful i met you my friend you are a real blessing God uses for so many people i know xxx

 
At 3:20 PM, Blogger Gypsy said...

Just wanted to tell you you are in my thoughts Robert and there are many people who care about you including me, Gypsy girl.

 
At 5:55 PM, Blogger Robert said...

gypsy girl-

just got done leaving you a comment at your place lovely one thank you so much dear sweet friend I know i have many people who are so special and unique and i thank God for each and every one of you each day!!! I think i go overboard to share my struggles and tough parts of life on my blog because well, its the one place i can actually talk so openly lol but i really do have many positives and really do enjoy and appreciate life despite how i may come across attimes with what i say on my page you and shazzie are so special gypsy plus being hot aussie lasses helps haha hugs and kisses and well wishes!!!

 

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