Holding On

it is a good thing to wrestle with God. I began the last paragraph of my previous post with that statement and I really do believe it!!! I always loved the story of jacob wrestling with the angel and recieving both a blessing and a wound. The wrestling aspect is so cool because it shows God is actually hands-on and does desire the type of intimacy with us where we actually grab onto Him and try to take Him down, metaphorically speaking of course. I believe that I might sweat more from the mental/emotional tangling with God than any actual physical workout lol.

Shazzie, my scintillating sweetie of a matey had a very profound comment to me on my page saying that God encourages us to look at ourselves and discover the changes we need to make and turn to Him for that transformation. I think there is a lot of mystery that exists in spiritual matters, primarily because God wants it so. He purposely leaves us hanging for certainty about many many aspects of life and Himself and how it all fits together because it leaves room for wonderment and delight in knowing there is much more to God than our human minds can fully comprehend. I also think we have parts of ourselves that may be hidden to our own awareness and that lay mired in our subconscious or unconscious. I think as we search ourselves as well as seek a deeper understanding of God that some things can be uncovered and recognized. One thing I struggle with very deeply is losing something emotionally valuable. I think this comes from a combination of my paternal grandmother and alot of her ways she dealt with these issues as well as my dad's death and its impact on me.

I am extremely hard on myself and pretty much always have been. I think a part of it is that i have a belief that if i am not then i am somehow letting myself off the hook and not doing what i need to for all the many who have lives that are far worse than mine. It's alot like the idea of how a response to was right after 9/11. The latenight comedians canceled their shows for a few days and stopped doing monolgues for a bit. Jay leno asked,*is it ok to laugh again yet?* Like somehow you are disrespecting the pain and tragedy of so many people by having a good time anc carrying on with life. Does this make sense to you???/ When I type it out and talk about it openly it sounds so crazy, but inside my own self it marinates and simmers and lies there always percolating under the surface. I recognize this in my relating to God as well in that I often will send my thoughts to Him almost asking permission to realize i can have joy and peace in knowing Jesus is Lord and Savior and wants me to fully live life in the fullness of belonging to Him. I feel like Im unworthy of enjoying life as He calls me to and really not permitted to because i have had a very easy life compared to so many others, and even the tough things i have faced i need to realize everyone has it happen and so i shouldn't expect to feel anything unique or anything about my own personal pain and struggle emotionally and spiritually.

I think the origin of these thought/beliefs come from where i stated. I also know I have had a tough time recognizing the voice in my head that is the echo of all my experiences and that it is coming from me and can be very wrong. I let it become such a blockade in so many ways, it is the voice that yells at me about having fear or not measuring up to the expectations i should have as a man or a Christ-follower or you name it. I hope by my *wrestling* and continous airing things out here and sharing with others i will grow and enter into a reality of intimacy with God and Jesus as well as other people that my mind has seen in the Word and desires to have so earnestly in my soul. Babysteps, babysteps of the awesomeness of Gods grace and goodness sprinkle across me day by day. I pray the same happens to all of you in a way that you most need!!!!