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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Be Careful What You Ask For

I have always liked that cliche the tag line being *you just might get it* So many awesomely cool blogs abound on here. It is amazing to me to see how all of us can reach into so many lives, via our blogs, in ways we don;t even have consciousness of, but it happens just the same. I am thinking today of how I seek to wrestle with God, pray foe it, ask for it, seek it , all other synonyms for it. yet, when it happens, I am like in a fog at times because it doesn't happen in the way or shape I had imagined as I sought for it!!!! Imagine that God doing something NOT according to my preference??? Some nerve!!!! LOL

I resonate with my friend gary who posted about differences between himself and his family. He spoke of living inside his head, man that profoundly strikes a chord with me. I have always tended to be more an introvert, handling my filter on this life via my own inner self. Funny thing is though I can be a outward introvert, i love to be around people and make them laugh, smile and feel good. Love to have deep conversations or just talk sports, movies or whatever. I sometimes think i have an idea of how a shizophrenic feels and faces life because i surely have several voices which ruminate within the labrynth of my mind. I dont *hear* them mind you, like as an audiblke voice, but they are there all the same. If any of you have ever seen a movie called *The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With the Sea* I would really like your review on it. It was made in 1974, starring Kris Kristofferson and Sarah Miles I believe. I saw this movie at probably the most painful time in my life, jr high. Something about the boy in that movie, though I don't have good recall right now, strikes me as living inward and in a *fantasy world* due to seeking to avoid personal pain. If you rent and wqatch the movie let me know your take.

Fear has been such an anchor weighing me down most of my life. I think in my convluted way as a 8 year old, i devised some kind of way to try to offset fear, to seek fantasy to hide, defuse or deflect it. God is the greatest Presence in existence. His love and grace the most powerful attributes. His justice and anger as well as judgment equally as powerful. Knowing this in my mind, I scranble my brains to come up with why I have seemed to let fear trump His love and grace in my emtional understanding and my imagination???? Again, this is really only in regards to ME. i have virtually NO problem seeing His love and grace bestowed to others, no matter who they be. I just really struggle greatly applying it to myself. I had a comment from pam about my *jacob* post, where she liked my saying *shame causes me to shrink from grace.* This i find to be true, yet also I think failing to achieve causes this. I have fear which causes me to become inactive and paralyzed by it, which leads to not performing which leads to more fear and on it goes downwardly spiraling. Weird thing is alot of this goes on inside my head!!! I have done things I felt very afraid or insecure about, and still manage to different times. But, there is this constant itch inside that tells me I have fear which should not be there if I *really had faith* or if i *really were obeying Christ* How do you counteract those voices??? Courage is acting despite fear right??? It doesn't mean acting with all fear gone because why then would it be called courage???? yet i see the verses where Jesus tells his disciples *fear not!!!* Paul says God has not given us a spirit of fear but of love.power and something in Christ. Perfect love casts out fear....... I look around in life, even the most dynamic followers of Christ i have either seen or met still have some fear.... so why have Ai had this seeminly ageless struggle to be rid of it and feel hopeless because it always finds a way to resurface???How did i manage to undergo an angioplasty... which involved a possible threat to the organ which i have always most feared would fail and cause my worst fears to become reality..... and be virtually fearless... calm, serene, even joking with the drs.... trusting God with the procedure??? How can I be all consumed with wanting to love God , jesus and the Holy Spirit, seek after Him more and more, be in community with others who seek Him, want toi grow closer and deeper in relationship with Him...... and at the same time,,,, fear He will abandon me, wonder if He is thoroghly disappointed in me, get caught up in various things which are opposite of His desires and will???? Others with thoughts and comments???? lend me your keypad!!!!

Thank you to all of you who have enriched my life in 2006.... may 2007 do so even more and may all of you recieve whatever it is God has for you to experience according to His perfe4ct plan!!!!


At 6:15 PM, Anonymous karen said...

Robert, thank you for visiting my blog.
I've been reading some of your posts...and I can certainly relate to them! Especially fear. Our upbringings have similarities, as well.
We'll work on it with God!

At 3:44 PM, Blogger Layla said...

I need to come back and read this more completely, its a good post and I don't want to skim it. Remind me if you don't see another comment here in a day or two, ok?

At 11:34 AM, Blogger Awareness said...

Perhaps the feelings of fear, pain and doubt are not only emotions we need to survive.......maybe they are present to allow us the opportunity to be able to feel and express Joy, and love with assurance.

I just read an interesting article about the idea that doubt is God's way of allowing us to step back to assess our lives and our faith.

I also think that sometimes if we look too hard.......we may miss what we are looking for......maybe the answer will just float into our lives when the time is right......... we have to be patient (which frankly is not a virtue I have much of :) )

Cheers to you Robert.


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