yea though He slay me

The book of Job is surely one of the most wondered about in the entire Bible. So much drama, so much to absorb regarding the realities of pain and suffering, the causes, God's character, our sin and freewill. Job's friends attempt to explain the causes of his suffering, so way off the mark. Job contemplates himself and ultimately is confronted by God Himself in a personal encounter which can only be described as awe-inspiring. Job certainly has resulted in volumes of writings on its themes.

I have prayed job's prayer many a time, partly the title of this post. *yea though He slay me yet will I trust in Him* The bummer is I have tried to flip the script on that truth in my own irrational way. Suffering and pain are no fun, not at all, and good things to be free of if you possibly can-at least i think that is what most would agree too. God sure has a different take on it though. He allows it to happen, as nothing that comes to us in our lives gets past His radar without His permission. Jesus of course experienced the most intense,horrible pain and suffering of anyone ever. He was not let off the hook because of His being Divine, and He took it on knowing it was the only way to reconcile us back to God and save us from ourselves and our own choice to reject God and His Authority.

I keep wrestling and want to always do so with Him. I have had my fear as a shadow a long time. I think underneath is also the added fear of having something happen for letting fear become an obstacle to begin with. My emotions and another part of me hurt and feel shame because I fear I would struggle to trust God if a serious event happened like a heart attack or being burned or who knows what it could be. Funny thing is that when i have had close calls, my stent and congestive heart failure, God comforted me and helped me just realize He was there and I was ok. This is the weird paradox. I so want to rest in trusting Him at all times and let my imagination go wild when I think of certain trials happening and feel like i would fall apart in fear. But when real things DO happen, I find Him helping me to rest and trust He is there.

I think a huge part of it is my lack of realizing His grace for myself. I have no problem seeing and applying it to others. I have this inner belief somehow that I should be able to handle things with the faith and spirit God places in me, obeying as He commands to. My own feelings become so much my barometer. God is greater than my ability and feelings, of course. He shows time and time again how He works through our weaknesses,but my flesh nature resists and fights against surrendering. I hope this post doesn't come out disjointed and hard to follow. I just have had more insights from friends thoughts and prayers lately and am wanting to rest in the reality of Gods grace and knowing there is nothing I can do in and of myself to make it happen apart from Jesus.

What does He do/ what do I do???? *by grace ye have been saved through faith and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God*- ephesians He promises no matter what we endure on earth, eternal life with Him will be far greater than can be imagined!!! With that truth in mind, help me to focus and maintain the title of this post as my prayer and position.