Accepting Acceptance

Still have alot of what I posted on before this percolating. I wonder how many of you also are a million times harder on yourself as opposed to other people in forgiving yourself, showing yourself grace and love??? I looked back over my posts for the last 4 years now and can see changes and growth- thank God!!!! I have to attribute so much of that to connecting in genuine,real ways with people on here. Online people CAN and DO communicate love and compassion as well as exhortation and encoureagement and challenge. I say that from seeing posts by people who have heard derisive comments about blogging and online friendships by people who don't engage in it.

I feel various tensions between varying aspects of living life and how God wants to interact with me and transform my life. Does He want me to perform and do my best i can to have confidence and discover my inner strength or does He want me to stop seeking to do it on my ability and find a way to let Him do it in me by faith??? Does God want me to have a certain personality which brings forth specific features like boldness and a certain toughness or does He allow for me to develop in various ways that are not based on a macho ideal of how a man should be??? I struggle alot over this because I feel I have not understood all there is to get about my full maculine identity because I lost my father before he taught me and modeled those qualities, did not have a real male role model close enough to pattern after and was raised around women and influenced by them at school, home and around friends. I have this lifelong battle with fear and lack of confidence and of course it began long before I surrendered my life to Christ and gave it to Him.

I am always torn because I have the disconnect within. I know and believe Gods Word and that Jesus places His life in me and seek to live and become like Him in all ways He desires, of course in an imperfect manner as a human, but I have held onto this feeling and sensing of being afraid of not being good enough and undeserving of His love or love from anyone. This is a deep root and i am not able to totally pinpoint its origins specifically though i have noted various occurrences that caused it. I guess we all have this to an extent due to the rupture that happened to all of us after sin entered into life. I know i have spoke on these areas alot but that is so I can putthem in the open and have Gods help and help from people to deal with them. I wonder just how black and white they are??? When the Scriptures say fear not, perfect love casts out fear, God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power,love and self control, just how does that all play out and how do I accept His freeing me of fear??

Accepting His acceptance is such a huge thing. Does God accept me and snctify me continually as I work out my salvation with fear and trembling, knowing my struggle with obeying and believing on a constant basis????/ Does He expect me to reach a certain place where I find how and what He wants me to *get* as far as His expectation of my obedience and faith??? I see a tension spoken of and taught on how to realize holiness and grace. One side focuses on our badness and total depravity as sinners who need to realize the infinite holiness of God in becoming human and dying to save us from our sin although we deserved death. The other focuses on Gods love for us and His wanting to restore us to Himself and loved us so much, even though we are unworthy sinners, He still chose to become human and die to save us. Do you see the subtle shift in focus there???? Does God want us to be more affected by His holiness and power or His love and grace???? That may sound arbitrary but it hits me as 2 camps I see within the Church by preachers,teachers and theologians. Of course it should be a both/and i would think, but one has a different emotional effect than the other emphasis. Hope to hear all your thoughts and responses. Much love,hope and peace!!!