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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Whats Really Real??

I am loving the rawness and depth of soul searching which seems to be performing the wave across the blogosphere as of late. Some people are facing daunting scenarios which truly involve life and death on a daily basis, others face extreme stress and struggle with all myriad kinds of things from health, finances,job,family,marriage you name it. It fascinates me always to read people unveiling their lives, just seems to help me do the same with mine a lil more.

My mind tells me one thing of whats really real, my heart/emotions another. I have fought this disengagement for as long as i can recall. I have always felt a bit ashamed at how I have had my fear of death for so long, especially after being baptized and then committed to being a minister. How can I seek to be one who has a definitive goal the preaching and teaching of the Good News of Jesus Christ salvation and resurrection over death to give eternal life to all, and i still wallow in this fear??? Perplexing to say the least.

I am wanting to turn a corner even more than ever before. If my mind could erase this fear and struggle i would have had it licked a longgggggggggggggg time ago. My experiential side of me is the hangup. My experience tells me i have been hurt and abused by people and life. I somehow have missed the line where God gave out the mental toughness and intestinal fortitude to handle all that life brings, which is alot of harship and tough times from all kinds of places and people. Outwardly I have managed to handle things fairly well. My insides have been so different though. Over and over my spirit cries out about wondering when will death happen, will it be a very severe painful death???? Why do i think about it as i do and have ever since i was 8??? Why does it stay in my mind no matter where I go and what Im doing, the fear death could happen can occur so rapidly and sometimes with panic attack symptoms wanting to break loose too.

I an scared to type this because of how it will be perceived. Why am i a broken record on this??? Where is my faith at??? Why do i not find the peace and comfort that Jesus gives??? I seriously wish i had asnwers because i think i would be very different in experiencing life as i do inside. I have sought defense mechanisms to help me ward off the pain of my hurts which batter my emotions. Sex is so much like food and drugs i think in hows its used as an escape. Especially when its fantasy sex. I would never seek to have sex in real life the way i have online or over the phone LOL just have to laugh at it. The desire to recieve affection and physical attention from a woman lies at the root of escaping and masking pain from waaayyyyyyyyyyy back. Using flirtation and intimate encounters as a way to recieve from them and somehow give to them, in a way that always seemed impossible from when I was 12 on up a few years, masks a void that cannot be filled no matter how many orgasms happen or other affection is shared.

I need to soak in Gods love grace and acceptance so my experience rests in Him. My mind knows all this backwards and forwards and a deep part of me does experientally at some level. i also have too much of a pain and shame bubble which holds sway inside there and uses Scripture and God to punish me even more by telling me I should never have had this problem if i had truly believed in Jesus when i accepted Him back in 1978. I should not be dealing with any of this or ever committed the sins i did after all this time. It is kind of surreal typing this. I at times break down as i type these posts because i feel both the agony and regret and also the release He promises, and i am frozen as to know how to let HIm wash all the guilt,shame and fear away, and to take in the friendship,caring,encouragement and kindness of people, who may not know what to say or do but still are there anyway. Help me to realize experientially with my whole being that You are really REAL GOD and i can rest knowing whenever death happens however it happens that YOU will be with me the entire time as YOU always ARE!!!!


At 8:33 PM, Blogger Carolann said...

Bob, your struggle is deep and has existed across time. I have no doubt that you accepted Christ, desire to trust Him above all else, and that your desire is authentic. I would like to suggest that rather than focus on simply wanting your fear to go away that you "walk into it" instead. Let God meet you there & ask Him to show you what is at play in all that. None of this is new to God. He's waiting there for you.

At 6:13 AM, Blogger Aphra said...

I think being conscious of your fear is more mature than not having any fear at all.

At 7:03 AM, Blogger Becky said...

CS Lewis said it a lonnng time ago...we content ourselves with playing in mud pies while He continues to offer us seaside vacations or something like that...journey on Brother....love b

At 5:34 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really hope that one day, somehow, you can come to grips with this fear because what worries me the most is that you are not really living while you are existing in such terror of dying.

There is so much for you out there Robert. If you can't find the answers in your faith maybe it's time you started to seek the answers elsewhere. Have you ever considered counselling my friend? I hate seeing this fear consume your life.

You are a wonderful beautiful soul with much to offer but this fear is holding you back from reaching your full potential as a man and a human being. I only say this to you because I care about you very much.

At 11:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Valentines Day Bobby Bear. I hope you have a special day.

At 12:24 PM, Blogger NoVA Dad said...

This is a very interesting post; thanks so much for sharing. I don't think that your fear and your faith struggle is anything that millions of others - ordained or otherwise - have experienced in their lives. Remember, even Christ in Gethsemane experienced a very real fear and very strong doubts about his purpose and about the next steps he was to take in his life.

Folks always talk about trying to live a Christ-like life; I think that by acknowledging and grappling with your fear and doubts, you are living a phase of Christ's life that I think is often overlooked.

At 12:24 AM, Blogger Robert said...

carolann- yes so right none of it new to God. Leaning into it is a very good image of what to do

Aphra- ty so much. Sometimes i just feel like i wallow in the fear too much but it honestly a real wrestling match

becky- always love your words my friend and seek to be drenched as you so often like to say. i will keep being naked and raw in my baring myself before Him friend

Gypsy- oh lovely aussie lady you mean so much and your caring is so appreciated. i do know the joy in life my friend just tend to blur it a bit fighting my fear but i am finding progress sweet one always love your wisdom and compassion xx

novadad- thank you i greatly appreciate your words and especially hearing from a man. Thinking of jesus in the garden has been a genuine solace a great many times thank you for coming by and sharing brother!!!


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