such a mess

That sums up how I feel often as i reflect upon where i have been and how it got that way. I wish at times i had some major illness both mental and physical which would give me an out for messing up or for struggling to manage life more successfully. i have no such out. I feel caught in a vise of various expectations and responsibilities to live up too which i have failed at. I can think back to lying on my bed at the beginning of my senior year in Bible College. Supposed to be the best year of all. I had just finished a summer being an intern which gave me experiences i will cherish forever and was one of the best times of my life. There I lay, suddenly overcome by the thought that I had chosen the wrong major and peobably would never use my Bachelors degree ever. I shared this with various friends, many were supportive. One said he sure hoped that never happened to him for he would feel like he basically wasted his college years. THUD!!!!

I pretty much coasted through high school. I wasn;t sure what i wanted to do. I planned on going to jr college but was very anxious of failing. To my astonishment I did excellent in jr college and even made the Deans List. I had psychology as a major, and all the psychologist teachers i had encouraged me that i would make a good counselor. Somehow I thought being a minister would be a better goal. i am not sure entirely why but I think i somehow thought it would be better liked by God, silly i know but i was a fairly new believer and had lots of self-image problems and emotional insecurities. I should have foreseen being a youth minister was not a good fit for a basically quiet and introverted guy who had alot of pain still from jr high experiences as well as high school. I think i may have thought God was a magician as opposed to who He is.

I guess that is all a lil background as to how things stand today. I feel like i am uncovering buried roots which I somehow did not access in all the counseling and experiences i had from Bible College and Seminary and shortly thereafter. Somehow I made it through all that and had a wide range of knowledgve and ability to counsel and teach and encourage others, yet did not know how to handle fear and areas of my own weaknesses in a way He sought for me too. This is another vise. I had all this learning, study and experience, why was i not able to put it together and get beyond my issues??? Why such a chasm between what i knew to be true and believed to be true and putting into practice as wel las experiencing emotionally and relationally the truth i knew???

Mike Yaconelli wrote a great little book called Messy Spirituality where he shared God is with ua in our messiness and failure as well as brokeness. I shared with a friend recently how i struggle lately what to write here, because i do not intend this to be just ranting or whining or seeking to be helped or act as a victim. I write of my struggles to live the life i believe God calls me too, hoping it will be of help to anyone else who may need encouragement or who may be helped in some small way by my sharing and journey. I hopefully will keep finding the words to share as i long too. I let the messiness in my head and in my actions jumble things up it seems. I hope to let Him help me settle it in ways i have fought or ran from in ways i have sought to suppress from myself. Leaning into and having an attitude of accepting pain and trusting Him as it happens. Journey through the mess.