Prodigal Thoughts

My friend Becky asked me a question on my last post about who I saw myself as in the parable of the Prodigal Son. I see myself as the older brother. This is poignant in a way as i actually am an older brother really. My inner world has been one of the older brother alot of the time which is messed up. I have a versy sensitive nature and also a very severe conscience. As i said before I always had a very rigid view of cussing when a kid. Anytime i heard very bad cussing , especially taking the Lords name in vain my insides would tighten and i would tell whoever not to do that. It has lessened quite a bit over time but still has been that way overall towards myself. I just read an article on a theology site talking about eternal security. 2 extreme views often happen from differing sides of the issue. Those who believe in eternal security see total security after coming to Christ, no sin can affect that ever as Christ keeps hold of the person forever regardless of their conduct. The other side is eternal insecurity in that any sin is seen as possible removal from salvation and worry reigns as one never knows their status due to constant struggles with their human weakness.

I would fall on the side of the eternally insecure. I have always been the *good kid* for the most part even before becoming a Christ-follower. Mostly because i was scared of doing the things that the prodigal did, partly because i felt like i needed to be good to not add stress and anguish to my mom as she was widowed and raising 2 kids alone. Deep inside though a part of me secretly wanted to be able to be bad and do all the *fun wild* things I imagined the prodigal doing. I engaged in partying for a short time in high school, I smoked pot and got drunk, but had some very bad experiences with pot that steered me away from drugs as i was a bit of a hypochondriac and didn't want to risk hurting my brain or heart. I avoided any sexual experiences for the most part mainly due to the belief i was ugly and unable to handle anything like that with a girl due to my acne in jr high and the rejection and ridicule i had experienced, which was even more pronounced by myself inwardly.

I had a late adolescence in many ways. After graduating from Bible College i was suddenly alone and apart from my secure environment. I had lived on campus in the dorms and was surrounded by friends all the time, and at church all day on sunday. After graduating I had to find a job and lost contact regularly with all the friends i had been around the past 3 years everyday. The aloneness struck at my insecurities with girls as i wanted to find a girlfriend but felt so clueless as to going about it. I tried dating services and had quite a few failed dates. I doubted i would ever be able to find a girl in the normal way and have a real relationship due to my insecurities and found other ways to satisfy those desires. My conscience severe as it is never let up anytime i indulged in those experiences. As i have shared on here before, i have worked through alot of this but still have times of struggle and failure and dealing with the whole addiction cycle of shame and guilt and love hunger which acts like a revolving door. The older brother in me wonders why God didn't help me get past my pain and fears of my jr high experiences so i could develop a normal way to have a romantic relationship with a girl that led to marriage.

I feel like lately i have gotten a better handle on all this and have had a few special friends with whom to share at a more intimate level. I hope my sharing on here has been a positive and good thing concerning all this. I am so thankful for the people who have commented or emailed me telling me they were encouraged or challenged by reading my journey and it has been used by God to strengthen them. That is wby i began blogging to begin with!!!! I hope and pray i will be able to share in the same way as I see God bring more healing and maturity into my life and i can translate that on here as i journey on.