Let Humility Happen

If you are not aware of kathy escobar at *the carnival in my head* blog, you really need to be!!! She is one lil firecracker lady who knows how to tweek you in ways that may sting but are so heartening and uplifting for getting deeper in following Jesus as He seeks us too. She had a recent post discussing *I suck as opposed to humility* Wow,she really hit me between the eyes there!!! I feel and think so much like Martin Luther when he used to flog himself with a cat-o-ninetails while living as a catholic monk before coming to his true understanding of grace and faith. He did it physically, but i do it mentally and emotionally which is far worse. I have experienced a wide variety of hurts and painful experiences in life, as have we all. Some left indelible impressions, but probably the deepest blemish has been my endless self-deprecation and even self-loathing at times for my failures to overcome and get beyond various failures and hurts i have endured or had happen.

I am always shaken a bit like a slap in the face when I read or hear about pride being at the root of alot of my struggles. Pride???!!! I have been hurt,rejected,ridiculed!!!! How can that be pride??? Yet, underlying it all is a sense of being better than what happened to me or somehow being above that happening. I have a strange mixture of perfectionism and helplessness put together to form a very weird brew in my psyche. i think alot of the root of the pride is a shamefulness at realizing my weakness in being able to handle life and its challenges, especially back when young. I just buried this fear and uncertainty and decided to develop a facade which would display a mask of *holding things inside and handling them in my own way* This also was meant to portray inner strength and being one who had it under control and was there to be of help to others.

I want to make a post which is free association to just pour out all the *stuff* in my head and see how it flows,hopefully making sense in a strange kind of way. I know kathys post has me honestly wanting even more to break free of my being caught up with my self and instead finding ways to develop genuine humility to trust God and Jesus and to have Jesus attitude toward pain,suffering,death and any kind of wrong done to me whatsoever. To forgive and love and accept the painful way it is to actually do and still seek to do so and thank God for the pain and the freedom from self it will achieve within. Freedom from self and freedom to love and be other-centered. Such a really basic,simple truth but when all the twisted snags of life and this selfish nature get tangled up it becomes oh so complicated. Any of this ring true to you readers??? Happy almost weekend!!!!