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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Blowing In the Wind

This song always had alot of meaning to me, just the simple lyrics it contains and showing how hard it can be to try and grab hold of answers. Just got done reading a few posts of a friend and they speak to me very deeply. Death is such a pain I wish it never had to happen but of course it does. I have run the gamut in how I have dealt with my fathers death over the course of my life. I think I had lots of time where I just buried my emotions, other times trying to analyze them in a spock-like way,other times just breaking down. I was a long way from being a christian at 8 when he died, but I did believe in God and Jesus and that They took care of him. I was refreshed reading a post by jonathan brink at missio dei where he spoke of grieving a college friends death. I get all twisted inside when I think of it all now so much. I have all the things I think and feel I should be doing as a believer and then i reflect on my weak areas and how He understands and a bunch of other stuff.

I wish I could write as fluidly as i did a lil while back. I get the thoughts in my head but then the words get caught somwhere in the middle. I guess it is part of being in the state of flux i am in, seeking to make change as I deem where it takes me. I am learning in a fresh way to trust and engage God and Jesus in a relational way where I have struggled because it *feels* risky. My intellectual/logical side of me has never quite understood why the emotional/relational side has had such a difficult time just trusting and risking. I fully know all the truth to why , but that fear of being hurt,abandoned,sabotaged,rejected is still so deeply entwined inside and I have always sought over and over to make my forays into taking the risks and acting in trust which overcome the fear and resistance, small victories won babystep by babystep.

I beat myself up inside endlessly for not having my faith maturely settled and set in motion after being a believer for so long and a minister to boot. Then I see many who were mature believers who chose to leave their faith behind and claim God doesn't exist. Still others are wondering just what to believe about God??? Some say we all would be fine if we just learned to take personal responsibilty and own our failures and character faults and overcame them ourselves. So many messages swirling around- be strong- show your weaknesses- take action and improve yourself- forgive yourself and acknowledge your pain and struggles. Which ones to listen too???

Truth is a Person, not a system of beliefs. Grace,love,forgiveness,holiness all have aspects of mystery which makes them bigger than our ability to fully comprehend, to me at least. I want to pursue loving God and loving people, I pray I do so in more complete ways despite the fact i will continue to struggle with my inner pretzelness as I seek Him who is like the wind. I think a certain Person said something like that in a gospel of John or something like that. Sing the song now, I dare ya lol!!!! Thanks for stopping by!!!


At 1:27 PM, Blogger Becky said...

journey on......


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