What Provides Security??

I have been messaging back and forth with a friend for sometime now, talking about struggles we both have had and still do have. One of those is having a sense of inferiority inside ourselves from as long as we can remember. This is an inward sensing, and not one dealing with outer appearance or actions. He told me of an experiment he studied in a human growth and development class called *strange situation test* This study had toddlers under the age of 5 be taken to a room and have their mothers in the room. The mothers sat in a chair and were there if the child needed them. Then the mothers left and a stranger came in and tried to communicate with the children, offering them a toy or something like that. If the child became upset the parents were brought back in. This pattern was repeated a few times. The research point was that kids who felt loved and bonded emotionally close with the parent were secure, the ones who were not were insecure and the researchers said this would be inherent throughout life.

I found this very interesting. Part of me understands it very well and can relate in a way. My dad had to go away very soon after i was born because he was in the army. He and my mom were both in the army, only she was an officer and he was a private. The army looked down on officers marrying enlisted men from what my mom told me. So my dad had to go to greenland. My mom had to work while he was gone, leaving me to be cared for during the day by my grandma who was an alcoholic and was very extremely overprotective. Let me say directly this is not an attempt to lay blame or make myself a victim, this is a searching to comprehend why this sense and feeling of inferiority has been inside me and I haven't shaken it despite so many good things i have experienced and learned in the course of my life, and my friend shared the same thing.

Can we create our own security??? I think we may believe we can, but for me I think I need it to be given by Somone bigger than me, able to give love in a way that could allow total trust and security. I analyze things down to the Nth degree-always have. I know so much of what i am supposed to know, and know the psychological explanations as well as philosophical and theological. The problem has still been an emotional,relational one. God is Love. Why has my inmost being struggled so intensely to realize this at the deep level??? The weird thing is, I can GET this for everyone else!!!! I sought to be a pastoral counselor for this very reason to help people realize and experience that YES GOD LOVES THEM!!!! I have not been able to do the same for myself. I find ways to sabotage showing forgiveness and grace to myself as God would or as i would to another person. I don't understand why it has been and still seems to be so difficult to do.

I think perhaps a lot of it has to do with the santa God concept- you better not pout better not cry he sees you when your sleeping he knows when your awake he knows if youve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake. As well as that song, be careful little hands what you do. I think someone referred to this song in their blog recently. God is seen as the ultimate eye in the sky who will catch you anytime your bad so you better be good. The calvinist notion of God creating some who are destined to be rejected also plays into this. If you already feel inferior even before understanding about who God is, how can you ever imagine yourself being one who is accepted by Him??? I don't accept this idea but in times of weakness and struggle, and knowing many do hold to this, it messes with your head. I have grown in dealing with insecurity alot over the last few years but still am searching to turn it all over to God in a more complete way. Hope to get comments and thoughts from any and all who stop by, what do you think???