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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Heart Update

Thank you so much to all who have prayed and been encouraging and caring over my health issues!!!!! I just turned 48 on the 22 and it was cool. Kinda weird to realize I have lived 18 years longer than my dad did. Our minds can develop all kinds of crazy ideas and i know I have run the gamut when it comes to death & dying type stuff. I will be having a cardioversion done on monday august 3rd. This is where they shock the heart to restore it to normal rhythm. Hopefully it will work. I have been doing quite well overall mentally,emotionally & spiritually since I had to go to the hospital for atrial fibrillation. God seems to supply what is needed to keep a grip on things when serious issues rise up.

I was encouraged hearing a preacher named steve brown on the radio who hosts a show called key life one day. He was talking about death & he said if death doesn't scare you a bit then your crazy lol I have always felt guilty over being afraid of death, even before I was a christian. I think it was a mixture of things dealing with how i heard my dad dealt with it and my own inner expectations of myself or perceived ones from people around me. Facing my fears & the possibilities of my health issues has been a sobering experience in a lot of ways. I have spent so much time reflecting and wondering how i got to where i am now, and why my mind & emotions have gone haywire so many times in the past even though I have been a believer for so long and have sought to immerse myself in an environment where I am seeking closeness to God & Jesus on a continuous basis. I have had such a strong desire to be close to God and to let Him lead me, and yet have so many ways of dodging Him and avoiding Him as well. I have the times where I want to be bold in taking risks and leaving my *comfort zones* and at the same time want to find a hiding place where i can escape the pain and struggle of doing exactly that!!! Is that just simply *being human* even though being a believer???

I am touched and stirred by people i discover who declare themselves to be deconverted christians or ex-christians. I wonder at the circumstances in their lives to cause them to decide on such a choice??? What pain and struggle did they face which led them to choose to believe God & Jesus don't exist??? My own struggles are more of why i have failed to walk and live in more consistent faith,obedience & holiness to Him even though I seek to find ways to do so over and over. I find it hard at times to let myself hope and live in joyful expectation because im afraid if i truly do let go like that it will be taken away and i will be heartbroken again. This is not a conscious thought but an underlying sensing and theme I know has been buried in my emotional core. Do you have faith and fear coexisting??? Do you have struggles of feeling like you let God down??? And despite all that, do you have the reservoirs of hope that His love & grace covers over all your weaknesses??? Love to hear all thoughts & reflections on these thoughts.

My puter will be fixed soon I hope, hopefully will be here to give a thumbs-up on my cardioversion that same night!!!! Peace and grace to all!!!

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