Various Stuff

Sometimes titles for posts just don't materialize so I fall back on cliches. I wonder how Spock was able to maintain his absolute logical ability amidst all the push and pull of life swirling around him?? Well, he actually did have emotion in him, he was just amazingly resilient at controlling it. I had some very good responses to a few of my posts and have read so much moving words by people so many places. I find myself brough to tears out of nowhere while thinking over posts,comments and all the ramifications of everything i take in. I wish i had the ability to freeze myself and respond in the 3rd person, as though i was outside myself observing myself, trying to be like a director and tell me what to do and how to feel. It is an odd paradox i experience in living life. I can react in immediate ways to people,laughing,discussing,debating,disputing-whatever the interaction might be. I like to make people feel good and that is a modus operandi i use as I come in contact with people everyday.My treatment of them is very natural for the most part, of course there are times where ambivalence occurs, just part of being human. The paradox is when I am at home and just relaxing,not really doing anything. I find my mind fills with so much *stuff* of recalling alot of things in the past that hurt and caused pain and wounds, then how i let it affect the presnt and why can i not just get over it. I think of ways i have had victory in areas i struggle with but soon turns to ways i let fear,shame and guilt over past failures overshadow the successes and then wonder why I find the negative stuff trumps the positive so often in my mind??? What makes it worse is I can focus on all the Scriptures that speak on being set free from this very thin gand staying *in the present* trusting Jesus to keep me steady and safe within Him and the Spirit.

My psych professor/counselor once told me i was the best second guesser he ever met. We would be in a session and i am sure i could have spent the whole hour spouting off a litany of secondguessing a few different things. He asked me if i was tired alot lol Actually i sleep very little and i am sure its because my mind rarely shuts off. I think this was one of the initial lures of sexual fantasy because it becomes a fixation and almost like a drug where my imagination and feelings get caught up in a sensation that just captures my complete attention until it reaches a finish. Then the cycle renews itself of regret,guilt,shame,self-abasement,sorrow and repentance and a sense of relief until it happens again. So goes the addictive pattern. I think certain ways of thinking and relating can become addictive in themselves, but thats a whole other post.

I have been finding subtle changes inside over last several months. Maybe God is seeing i am ready to move on in certain ways. i certainly hope so. I hope that some who may discover my blog may do so because it is helpful to them in some way in dealing with a life struggle very close to my own. I greatly appreciate anyone who stops by and reads and takes time to comment because they felt like doing so,whatever they may say. 2 years away from 50. I just hope and pray i can take hold in a most enormous way the thrill that life is no matter what pain and suffering as well as triumphs and tragedies have befallen me since my entering this world. So glad i come across people sharing their lives who are realizing this in their own unique way as well.