The Hard Way

Seems to be the way i do certain things, thus the title to the post. I seem to make things hard on myself and feel like i have always have and just felt/thought it was just the way i had to be. I am teaching sunday school this coming sunday and am doing it on love. I have searched the net for all kinds of understandings on love, God being love, our call to love as He loves us and so forth. So weird how thoughts and feelings can still be disconnected so much. There is such a divide amongst theologians on what role our feelings play as opposed to our thoughts. A very prominent proverb says, *as a man thinketh in his heart so is he* Just how is this to be fully understood??? If I think I am weak and worthless does that mean I am??? I speak this in regards to when depression hits. Our feelings change like the blowing of the wind so often, even depending on our blood sugar levels or the weather. Attitude. But attitude can change alot too right??? Experience seems to say so.

Grace- Obedience. People seem to tend to lean on one or the other as opposed to balancing both. We are saved by grace through faith as a gift from God. But we evidence our recieving this gift by obedience and good works. God does the work in us by placing the Holy Spirit in us after we turn to Christ as Lord and Savior. We show our having recieved Gods gift by obeying Him and putting to death our flesh. if we love God we will obey as he commands and live a life that reflects that. Grace has done the work for us, Jesus did it all on the cross and anything we do serves to say He is not enough.

See the tension there??? Those who fall on the obedience side, to me, come across very harsh and judgmental in their tone. They speak of Gods holiness and hatred of sin and His love by sending Christ, but they come across like Gods justice and wrath are preeminent and His love is a conditional love based on our performance of obedience by our faith. Those on the grace side seem to me to go easier on us all and our sinfulness and see us as the weak flesh we are, and focus on Gods extreme measures He took to reconcile us back to Himself even when we totally rejected Him.

My head spins alot now taking all this in. I know i fail to love Him with all my being, to love my enemies as He did. I fail to be holy as he is holy and I battle the areas of sexual sin. I have read verses where it says those who sin sexually will be punished. Not to mention the one where it says those who di such things will not enter the kingdom of God. How is it i have spent my life since age 16 wanting to serve God and seek Jesus and yet at same time have fought against Him by choosing certain actions which clearly say in His Word anger and hurt Him????? Yet is not that a human condition for us even after we recieve Jesus??? I have never met anyone who yet who lives perfectly, but those who teach obedience sure seem to say we all should be as close to it as possible. I always want to encourage as anyone who has read here awhile knows, so it hurts to post this way. I am just laying out my heart though. I sit so often and just ask God to cleanse me and give me a heart and mind that wants to seek Him and obey Him and love Him with singlemindedness. Shortly after though i find i slip into an action or thought that is disobedient. I want to love as He says in the 2 greatest commandments, and i struggle to just do it. I feel worn out alot as i battle inside and i just veg out and feel stuck. Do you readers engage this battle??? Do you find it easy to love God and people with your whole being??/ Echoing a Beatles song- Help won't somebody please help me!!!! Help me to love as You love God & jesus.