How Much Grace Is Grace??

A lot of differing thoughts swirling inside my mind. It is a very good thing alot of our minds work is unconscious you know??? Can you imagine if we had to actually think and process every single thing we did??? Talk about a snails pace!!! I have been pondering grace lately. I have to let go of my constant companion fear for little intervals now and then lol. Many calvinists believe that God chooses some who are the *elect* to be saved. There is no rhyme nor reason to this decision. He is God, He is All-Powerful and All-Knowing and He is our Creator so who are we to question or challenge His Will. All those points arfe true of Him, but the way He reveals Himself as Love. The fact He basically became one of us in order to die in our place, even though we rejected and disibeyed Him, suggests He is not a God who nonchalantly takes us like a daisy and plays *I elect him, I elect him not* until He is done. Jesus said to Peter when asked about forgiveness, forgive seventy-times seven, which amounts to forgive nonstop!!!! Paul in Romans says NOTHING can separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus.

Paul says in Romans all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. ALL. That being the case, why would God decide to choose a random few to be *elect* apart from all the rest of us He made??? Grace is unmerited favor, getting what we don't deserve and cannot earn. Why would a few become somehow set apart from all the rest of us when He says His grace is given to all??? I have come across a few blogs speaking on universalism lately, and they make an interesting case for it, and they are christians not cultists or anything. God desires all to be saved. His kindness leads to repentance, not His anger or judgment, but His kindness.

I dont want the fear i have, but it always has seemed to be something i had to have. I choose it since i have free-will though do i not??? I don't know. I have prayed so many times to be free of fear and at times i have felt it, but again does feeling have anything to do with it??? Do we feel faith,fear and love??? Do we feel mercy,anger,judgment??? I feel like i am in a labrynth here lately. God wants us to know He loves us more than we could ever know, but yet He seems to hide or be silent or remote so often. He wants us to seek Him with our whole being yet when we do so it seems we have a hard time finding Him. We cannot do anything of our own will to please Him, yet He calls us to perform in obedience. So many say He sets us free from the pressure to perform but so many verses seem to say we need to perform in order to be holy and obedient servants.

Just sharing my own personal angst here. I feel the quicksand as i once said because i have such a desire to be as genuine a disciple and follower as He calls me to be, and yet at same time i find it so easy to drift off into actions and thoughts that veer in opposite direction from His call. Isn't that always our struggle??? Any of you believe we are supposed to break free and rise above to a place where we are holy and blameless like Jesus??? Pauls words in Romans tell me no but James sometimes says yes. Just laying out food for thought.