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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Struggling With God-personally

This has been interesting for me to focus on just what aspect of the struggle to take on. My heart situation has been a focal point of course, and has helped bring some clarity through the fog that all too often occurs. It is crazy to me how I can get so narrowly focused with my struggles within to think i am alone in any of them, doesn't matter what they are. Somewhere along the way i have taken on a kind of perfectionism which acts like its own persona rrgardless of how delusional the whole notion of perfection might be.

I have always had a split between my thoughts and emotions and how i process them both. For me, i was able to latch on to the truths of God and His Word early on, but how to handle when resistance or doubts came upon me, and how to carry out certain actions have been like a huge chasm separating me from my thoughts many times. I grew up as a Catholic and had a very strong catechism class which laid down the basics of knowing God and Jesus, at least within a catholic framework. There were underlying dynamics which occurred within my family though. My dad had an ongoing battle with skin cancer even before i was born. His mother, my grandma, was an alocholic and for some reason viewed me as her favorite grandchild and did not hide this at all. She was extremely overprotective and had many fears and antisocial leanings, which I picked up on she lived in our house and helped raise me, being the closest one to me a large part of the time.

I state this as a way to look back for insight into struggles i have even to this day. God is good and to be trusted implicitly,yet He let cancer gradually ravage and eventually kill my dad at a very young age. My grandma worsened in her alcoholism and destroyed her liver. Where was God during this??? Why was he silent??? I am sure i had alot of questions in my mind back then, I think i may have squelched them wanting to avoid upsetting my mother after all she went through as well as trying to be more grown-up and handle tough things as a mature boy.

I have talked on these things before, but i look through a different lens now especially realizing the fragileness of my own health at this point. I have learned and experienced Gods love and goodness across the span of life, but those early wounds have been buried and submerged in ways, even though i found ways to talk about them in various times past. I have always managed to be my own worst enemy in dealing with my weaknesses before God. There is this image of fearlessness and boldness and unflinching obedience and holiness i have somewhere in my head which has acted more like a whip than a positive encouragement to me on how to please God, and i still am not sure of its origin. i know Martin Luther had a very similar struggle when he was a monk until he came across Romans and the idea of being set free by faith. I still wonder how he was able to gain the total release of feeling he had to DO something to please God or that his actions were the basis and evidence of his commitment and love for God???

i hope to write more on this more fully. Sometimes what goes on in your head does not translate as intended to the page. Hopefully this is intelligible and makes sense to you readers. God has been good and genuine in leading me through this time of real vulnerability physically. I hope I can see and follow as He leads me to be free of the internal chains i have let bind me far too much.He IS an awesome God and i want to enjoy Him more and more fully!!!


At 5:14 AM, Blogger MistiPearl said...

Good morning Robert,
Each time I read your blog, I am touched by your transparency in your longing to understand and to know God. What I love about our King is that He will answer your questions, He will continue to pursue you and draw you to His side, deeper into His Love...Thank you for sharing this :)

At 8:33 AM, Blogger karen said...

Good stuff here, Robert. You have a tough journey. Please let me know how you are doing.


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