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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Saturday, October 03, 2009


Well my last post was tough to do in ways. God had just blessed me so much by healing a part of my heart, yet I felt the pain of failure from the past which still manifest into the present. I have been greatly encouraged by reading blogs which mention how several of Gods servants in Scripture had crises of faith even after huge achievements for and with God. Elijah, Elisha and a few others of note. Even though they experienced amazing personal experiences with God, they doubted Him,ran from Him or felt apart from Him in some way.

I read a post about calvinism at a blog just a bit ago. Rachel Evans blog if you want to read it. it hit me so strongly. She wrote about why calvinism made her cry. Ultimately its because it turns God into a God who is like the wizard of oz than the God who says He is love. Sovereignty, calvinism holds this as the highest virtue of God. His power. Well, didn't He withhold His power in order to give His mercy and grace??? My epitome of my struggle with fear is that God made it so i am not *elect* and really living on borrowed time, with no hope really because it has all been decided. Again, this is my fear that crops up inside me, not my belief. The fear is followed by punishing myself internally for being so selfcentered and worrying about myself and my destiny as opposed to just accepting Gods sovereign will. I worry for anyone and everyone who is not *elect* under this scenario. I honestly do not want anyone to burn in eternal torment in hell.

I still have more wonderings to express on fear and faith and God and how they all interact. I am an INFJ personalitywise and so feelings play a huge role inside me and how i function. I am on top of the world when my feelings are aligned with God and feeling at peace with Him being present and in control and all. Problem erupts when for whatever reason, my feelings change and He can't be felt, it feels like He is hidden or gone. Anxiety happens then. But of course God is present as He always is. Try getting my irrational thoughts fueled by distraught feelings to buy that though.

I am thrilled God is Sovereign. I am more thrilled He uses His Sovereignty in grace and not anger.


At 6:12 PM, Blogger karen said...

Absolutely He acts in grace, not anger.
I have never felt the anger of God. I've felt my own anger.
Last week I ranted and raved and yelled and swore at my beloved Father...had He been present in the flesh, I would have been hitting him as well. I just reached a point where I'd had enough of everything. I'm tired. I'm less tired now.
He understands. His love goes beyond taking our anger, fears, everything personally.
I felt no anger from Him; there were no lightning bolts to zap me where I stood.
I just felt peace and relief.
If we sit and slobber over Him, He knows our hearts and what we're really thinking. He knows when we're afraid or just pissed off.
We come to Him completely naked..physically and spiritually. There is nothing to hide. There is no hiding.
He is bigger than we imagine.
He permeates our lives, our bodies, we breath the air that Jesus breathed; molecules running through our bodies as they did His. Pneuma, the breath, the Spirit....envelopes us at all times. We cannot get away from it. It is invisible, yet it is present...it flows through us, as we walk through it like waves of an ocean.
He is with us always. He's got our trials, He's got us. We're the ones who ignore or stop listening. He's so much more faithful than we are.

At 2:12 AM, Blogger jennypo said...

God is...not willing that any should perish... 2Peter 3:9
...that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16


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