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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, September 21, 2009

A Lil of My Craziness

Tracking back over how I became who i am was again inspired by dana at biscottibrain, as well as my friend becky who said we all have a story. I have been thinking of where the origins of my dealing with fear the way i do began. I know I saw some scary movies when i was very young, and had the high sensitivity I mentioned before. My ears were super sensitized to loud sounds. I had to leave places where the sound was too loud because it made my head hurt. I think this may have been why I was so scared of a rollercoaster, the dips and drops just my body feel out of sync. So glad I was able to handle the matterhorn ride at disneyland though lol.

I wonder if I really let this fear ecome expanded when i got older and read scriptures or heard sermons and teaching that i had a reason to be afraid and to overcome it. I know i have always had no trouble vocalizing my fear, but usually didn't get responses of anyone else sharing if they had fear. Mostly they would tell me it would go away, or they had a peace about it or just really not mention it. I have such a tendency to let my mind secondguess in a neverending spiral. This is where I get all messed up, i begin thinking i should have no fear but then a thought of something catastrophic comes to mind and i feel a sense of fear so I get caught up in beating myself up over having fear and i can just get drowned inside my own thoughts for who knows how long.

I wonder if it is a trait of introverted highly sensitive people to become caught up in their own head like that??? Maybe its a case of ocd. Why do i have this idea i should be totally free of fear??? Why do i have this idea God needs to somehow supernaturally take it away and make it be gone forever then i will be ok. Anyone else have these kind of crazy thoughts about death and fear??? Just hoping backtracking over old ground can refresh me in dealing with it now.


At 9:09 PM, Blogger Smitty said...

Robert, thanks for posting on my blog. It's nice to have someone comment every so often. I completely get the "fear" thing. I find myself afraid of not knowing what's going to happen in my future, and sometimes that fear gets the best of me. Other times I am able to cry out to my Heavenly Father with all my confusion, frustration, and fear and fall into His arms knowing that He has it all under control. Does it take the fear away? No. But it does make it bearable. When that happens it's not so overwhelming.

At 6:48 AM, Blogger Becky said...

What if....this life is about learning to live WITH the fear...not overcome it??

At 10:48 AM, Blogger Robert said...

Smitty- always like visiting your place. You are so right, it does make it more bearable.

becky- i want to think on that more. I get so focused on the commands to be not afraid as well as hearing fear and faith cannot coexist. I always thought courage was moving on DESPITE fear not by having it gone. You give very strong food for thought my friend!!


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