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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Faith,Fear,Trust Etc

One of my fave bloggers Rachel Held Evans had a post today that hits home very deeply with me. Theology and Fear. Rachel is a wonderful word warrior and also blends in revelations of herself as well as bits of humor,wisdom and challenge to all her readers. As I read her post and the subsequent comments she received, it got me thinking again about my mishmash of the issues mentioned in my post title. Fear has seemed to be my biggest obstacle as long as i can remember, but it wasn't always so. It is true my dad's death when I was 8 played a major role in my struggle with fear no doubt. But I think actually the heaviness of fear didn't happen more until after I made my acceptance of Christ, began reading the Bible earnestly and took in that we were not to be afraid. Hmmmm.....

Sometimes I think freewill is not all its cracked up to be. I would like God to give me a magic potion or wand so I could instantly remove fear or doubt or anger or anything i didn't want to experience. I imagine being able to have a condition where I could not resist or rebel against God, where I could not have temptations and not have to make choices. Ah life would be so much easier.... well, sometimes it can seem that way.

I love God. I want to trust Him implicitly. I want to take risks. i want to love as He loves and give grace as He does. I also have times where I dont trust Him. I dont want to take risks. I want to find a place to hide and just let all the chaos that is life go by and leave a calmness in its wake. I want to take the reins and tell God NO dont let people die or suffer. Dont let natural disasters happen. Dont let life hurt!!!! I get so caught inside my own head so much. I developed that tendency as a protective device in childhood. It served a purpose. In adulthood, not so much. Amazing to me sometimes how i made it 48 years on this earth and how I have been able to accomplish some of what i have.

Little by little, day by day, help me to seek to trust You more, live by faith, surrender fear and grow in love and grace. Thank You God.


At 8:53 PM, Blogger Graceful said...

Thank you so much for the kind comment on my post. You are so right -- fear is entwined with a need to control. Fear propels the control. I yearn to trust God, as you stated in your post, but I fail so often. It's an ongoing battle for me, but I pray.
Blessings to you,

At 11:39 PM, Anonymous mariam said...

Hi Robert,

I have been reading your posts but haven't had the time to comment. I think where I haven't taken the step of trusting God is in risk-taking. I may feel called to do something but I don't do it for fear of failure or disaster. So I don't fear God's wrath so much as I fear that He will ask me to jump and won't be there to catch me. That's probably just that inner atheist talking though.

Right now I am in a situation at work where I have been very unhappy - I have feeling disrespected and disconnected. This has made me angry and I have been having a very hard time acting in a loving way towards my managers. In fact I have been very unloving. I was thinking how I didn't want to be like this but at the same time there was a part of me not wanting to give up my anger and revenge fantasies. So I have been avoiding prayer because, basically, I know what God wants me to do and I don't want to do it. But this morning in the car I mulled it over and prayed, "Lord, help me to make this a good day. Help me to treat everyone at work with love and respect and give me strength to let go of my anger." A surprising thing happened. I had a meeting with one of my supervisors, all prepared to go into battle over whatever it was we were going to discuss. Then he said he wanted to get some emotional stuff out of the way. He started by telling me how something I had said had hurt him. (What I said had nothing to do with him, but he took it personally). We began talking and 2 hrs later we were still there, talking about trust, how to reclaim it and how to move forward. So did God turn his heart (as the Irish blessing goes) or was it my turning my heart in prayer that allowed the conversation to take the turn it did. I don't know but I know God has opened a door for me and I had better follow Him.

Irish proverb:
May those that love us, love us; and those who don't love us may God turn their hearts; and if He doesn't turn their hearts may He turn their ankles so we can recognize them by their limping.

At 7:12 PM, Anonymous mariam said...

Ha. Ha. Well today it was back to the same old nastiness. God isn't going to make it easy for me:)


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