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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Monday, April 12, 2010

Help God Help

I didn't want to steal the publicans plea in Scripture of help me God a sinner, nor the man who said i believe help my unbelief. My title is including those 2 elements. I hear and read so many conflicting experiences people have with God. Some find Him responding very clearly and directly in thoughts or feelings they have. Some find Him silent nonstop until some event happens where they just know its Him. Some are very emotional, some are very analytical,some let God lead, others take action and believe He is with them as they take action.

I dont know. I wish I could get out of my head so much of the time. I want to just live in the present, trusting and loving and obeying and not being tormented by the *inner judge* who whispers the junk that just eats at my soul. *you cant be like Job and praise Him yea though He slay you, you know your just scared to death of death* *you have let fear,anxiety passiveness just freeze you almost your whole life, and you wont stop now* *you dont know how to live the way Jesus seeks for you to,why are you even trying?* These are samples of the garbage inhabiting my thoughts like a broken record. I guess the amazing thing is how God has let me experience so many things in life despite all this going on inside all the time.

I think what bugs me also is wondering if i am experiencing what alot of other people experience or not??? I know so many people here in blogland open up with brutal openness, but the preaching,teaching I see and hear always seems to keep the bar raised up to a level I aspire to in my mind and heart but that i fall far short of in actual reality of living life. Not to mention the whole conundrum of whether God actually will save all or will a great many be forever banned from Him eternally at some point??? I believe God is love as He Himself says, but He is also Holy, Just,Righteous and judges. He has wrath, which He has shown in His Word.Did Jesus fulfill that wrath forever by His sacrifice for all of us??? Just free-floating thoughts. Hope to hear from anyone who chooses to comment.


At 3:37 AM, Blogger MistiPearl said...

Hi Robert, I understand what you are saying, lately the same type of spiritual attack has been gnawing away at my psyche and distracting me from living in the joy of the moment with Abba. Frankly, it is prettly flamin' frustrating, yet I turn my eyes back to Jesus and focus on Him, like the balm of Gilead applied, I am soothed. You are not alone in your struggles - somedays don't you just wish you had a big ray gun and the ability to see and anniliate the enemy of our souls? Then again, if we could do that in our own power, we wouldn't need Jesus would we?
Thanks for sharing your heart with us. Smiles and blessings~mp:)xx

At 12:21 AM, Anonymous mariam said...

Robert, you are being very honest about your struggle. We all struggle with this. There is the way we want to be and the way we are. Even St Paul tells us about his struggle with the same issue - I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." And yet Paul is confident of his salvation, confident that he will meet Christ face to face. If Paul struggled with these same worries and was confident of God's love and mercy, we can be as well.


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