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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Raw

That is how I felt last night after posting and thinking about some other posts i had read. Just bare,exposed,raw. I had one of those times where the wailing just spontaneously happened and wouldnt stop. I sang kumbayah as i wept, very softly and i still desire Him to come by here,even though He actually always is. Fear is a tyrant and it doesnt play fair, whatever that is. Mix in some anger,frustration and helplessness with a lil hopelessness sprinkled in and ugh not a tea party thats for sure.

What really sucks about all this is that I know and believe He is who He says He is and He loves as He says He loves, but i have found ways to doubt,resist,rebel and who knows what else with it, but at the same time want to just cling to Him and rest and follow Him with all i got. Yet,even as i write this, I know the battle for control is deep inside raging. His ways are not easy, they are not painless. He not only lets death happen, He actually bids us to come and die!!! Jesus was not just going through the motions when He prayed if possible for the Father to let Him have a different cup, but He ultimately trusted and accepted the cup the Father gave Him.

As I cried and prayed and sang to Him last night, the fears all bounced around in my mind. Maybe my heart would be affected by all this emotion, maybe i would stop breathing or have a brain hemorrhage. How would I respond to actually be in a process of dying??? How was God seeing me as i sought to still turn to Him and seek His help even as I was shaken by my inner pain and hurt??? Is this a personality thing that some are more prone to experience than others?? I was able to eventually sleep and go to work today and function as normal. I dont want to have this fear/self-centeredness thing always going on but i dont know how to just let it go. Raw. Still feel very raw.

Do you experience this inwardly to some degree?? Do you find it easy to just rejoice in the Lord always and be fear-free???

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