moving forward

Just had a study on First Peter at our mens group tonight. Peter discusses how we as christians are to be holy as He is holy, and then articulates other aspects of christian character and then the bad sinful behaviors we are to avoid. We all shared what issues we struggled with and how to seek to overcome in the year ahead. Our pastor asked what stuff kept us from growing spiritually.... the list included :distractions,pride,laziness,fear,culture. When it came my time to share i said a combo of fear/laziness. So many blogs have been touching on areas that hit me so deeply inside. Very heartening to see how vulnerable and open people can be out here on blogs, really does serve as a way to carry out the *one anothers* scripture mentions so often.

Overcoming fear..... i cant even guess how many times i have thought about,discussed,prayed,meditated,cried and who knows what else over this subject. Fear seems to be like a invisible mist that just hovers around,sometimes seeming to cover over me and choke me other times it just hangs around making sure I know its close by. I was raised in an atmosphere of fear to an extent, due to my grandmas way of being and my father having terminal cancer. i think i internalized alot to identify myself as someone who just is a person who lives in fear. I can reason and logically analyze why i need not fear and that i have no reason to fear. I know and believe the Word of God which tells me God and Jesus make it so i have no need to fear. Yet....... fear just surfaces its lifesucking presence and freezes me within myself. Some ways it manifests itself..... I can be sitting watching a movie or at work or in a car all of a sudden the thought hits me..... you can die right now it could happen RIGHT NOW you shouldnt be afraid God has saved you but it could happen death death death!!!! I try to get rid of the thoughts and let them pass sometimes they make me feel like i must run to escape. i have had the same thing happen on an airplane, on a skilift.... o man who knows how many times. The deepest pain of it is that I get terrified I might suddenly die because I have not let His perfect love cast out all my fear, as well as the sins i still struggle with day after day. God also reminds me of His love.forgivness and grace in the midst of the fear thoughts....... so hard to hear Him through all the noise fear creates alot though. i have come across several very revealing people sharing lately. I am in a place where i want to display that transparency, and find a way to let God cast out the fear with His perfect love.

I really hope and pray those of you who read this share of your experiences in this regard. Do i sound crazy for having these thought panic episodes??? Am i somehow letting fear be an idol which i need to repent and give to God??? This is THE biggest problem area i have and have had as long as i can remember and has often grown worse because of all the books,tapes,counseling,small groups i have experienced and been part of..... still dealing with it. Do any of you have similar areas, not necessarily fear, but something that , no matter how much you try and give it to God.,,,,, it just wont go away or you just cant get total victory over????? i would love to hear any and all comments whatever you have experienced. it sure is a major blessing to be able to come on here and just spill all this in public view knowing Im seeking to turn it over to God for Him to transform for His glory and purposes. Gods goodness to you all!!!!!!