reflections on pain

Lately i have read alot of good discussions on this topic especially over at kansas bob's blog and barbara (man i need to get my links up) lol. I have been dealing with an attack of gout for close to a month now. IKt has never lasted this long before!!!! I wonder whether my diabetes diagnosis contributes to it at all??? In case any who stop by and read this don't know, gout is a severe inflammation of the tendons and joints in the feet. Causes enormous pain and makes for a great way to have insomnia because it hurts so much you CANT sleep :(

I have a lil ritual of moving back and forth from my bed to my recliner hoping the switch will somehow impact the pain and lessen it in some magical way!!!! Ah what a dreamer i am!!!! As i lay in bed trying to ignore my throbbing foot, i tried to focus on the verses which tell us to deny ourselves, to take up our cross to die to self in order to live to Christ.... and i found my mind kept slipping back to wishing and praying for the pain to go away!!!! I made wordless responses to God of how i wanted to be stronger and not so weak wishing so badly to live out what i perceive as the raw courage to face and accept FAR WORSE pain than my mere foot aching. It struck me how so often the anticipation of pain or the worry of it happening in some dramtic form is FAR worse than experiencing the acxtual pain itself..... usually speaking i think. I have hypochondriac tendencies....... (i can hear my mom and sister right now going NOOOOOOOOOOOo REALLY????? ) and i have made myself hurt way more by worrying about something im afraid MIGHT happen as opposed to actual real pain I hacve undergone.

I want to accept pain and walk thru it holding Jesus hand, having an attitude of quiet confidence that i will endure as i need to trusting Him right by my side to lead me through. And yet..... there is the other part of me, so scare of eventually getting HIT by the BIG ONE whatever that might be and feeling afraid powerless alone and helpless feeling like Jesus is right there but for whatever reason I cant or dont deserve to hold His hand and rest in my relationship with HIm. I really seem to have alot of deep issues with grace/acceptance/performance/earning Gods love. I KNOW and have experienced the reality of His love and grace many times as well as fully understand the reality of it working on one level theologically and still being actualized in time/space. I still have such deep deep striuggles with letting it just make my heart naturally warm up and bask in His love and glory knowing i am His child and can't do anything to affect the way He loves me. Ordained minister and all I can share and passionately help others to realize and accept these truths and to let Him work His way in their lives...... but its a who nother ballgame qwhen it comes to applying the same to MYSELF!!!!!

Just sharing where Im at right now at least partially anyway. Hope you all have a fantastic weekend and my mom will be guest posting again soon so be on the lookout!!!! :)