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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Growth Isn't Instant

O how perfectionism and performance paranoia so like to wrap their suffocating tendrils around our souls and squeeze us and drain us till we wonder just how we have any juice in our tank. I am and truly have been way too hard on myself. I have seen many others who have been caught in the same syndrome. It is a weird thing how other people can see it and point it out to you, but there is so much tunnel vision and a tendency to offset the insight of the friend or other because the self-deprecation is so ingrained.

I enjoy wandering around blogland, much like taking a walk in a neighborhood, eyes and ears open for interesting sights, sounds and people. I love coming across people who seem to have uncovered a way to get past the blinders and be able to progress in new ways with new vision, not forgetting where they once were, but able to get beyond certain aspects of it being a stranglehold and a veritable quicksand that seeks to pull them down and make change so difficult.

How many of you have a hard time relating to God as Father???? Do you find it like wandering in a hall of mirrors at times??? Wanting to find the right way but always hitting a deadend or wrong turn??? I really think that disruptions in relating closely to our earthy fathers plays a highly significant role in why we struggle in various ways with our Heavenly Father. I am beginning to understand this in a fresher way as of late, and a way which hopefully will let me engage God in an emotional intimacy that I really have not fully experienced to the level I believe Scripture declares He wants to have with me. Mothers as well play a very significant role in shaping our lives and our emotional makeup, I just place a focus on fathers due to the very direct relating of God as Father.

God is good. He is a lover. He desires close relationship. He is mysterious. He is scary. He is beyond my ability to take in all that He is. I am beginning to get a small creak in the door that has been my carrying my monkey on my back of failing to *measure up*, as well as failing to extend grace to myself. I pray God helps me to keep the door opening more and more as well as seeing how all your doors are at varying degrees of openness!!!! Yay to adventure and discovery!!!1


At 7:14 PM, Blogger Kelly Jene said...

Great post. I love your opening sentence. Well written. I, too, have always struggled with God the Father. Having a father in life that treated me pretty poorly, for many years I have reflected that onto my true Father... I'm sure He hasn't appreciated that. But as I've let go of my earthly father, I'm coming to see my place as the daughter of a King. It's looking pretty good.

Take care!

At 7:41 AM, Blogger bjk said...

YAY....to adventure and discovery and people to share it with!!!

At 4:29 PM, Blogger Kristen Skedgell said...

For a long time, it was hard for me to see God as anything short of a traitor. I was in a fundamentalist cult that took the message of Christ and twisted it beyond recognition. Now I'm out (for a long time) and it's been a journey of grace back into the heart of God, the Mother and God, the Father and Jesus, the Brother. I'm not afraid anymore. To me that's a miracle. Thanks for writing and thanks for visiting. I'll look forward to hearing more.


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