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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Friday, March 14, 2008

sometimes its hard

I had a severe gout attack last week, couldn't go to work because i couldn't walk. Finally it went away, only to come back again thursday and just as painful. What is so hard is that my eating habits most likely are the cause of it occurring. I have type 2 diabetes and met with a specialist on how to change habits and such. Somehow I find ways to let my mind either go into denial or just craziness because I drink pop and eat bad stuff, knowing the consequences. It is analogous to sin really. Sin is crazy and insane. It goes against what we know is best for us and Who loves us most, yet we still do it all the time. We all have a lil bit of insanity in us.

The devil is supposed to be the epitome of evil right??? Jeremiah 17:9 says the heart is deceitful and wicked ABOVE ALL OTHERS who can know it??? See my emphasis??? If satan is the ultimate wicked one and Scripture declares our hearts to be so and satan means accuser/adversary well i wonder who satan really is??? This is a very controversial topic because tradition has us believing satan is a fallen angel with supernatural powers rivaling Gods. Nicodemus noted though that only God had the power to accomplish miracles and supernatural occurrences. Just a lil something to chew on.

Pain really does hit below the surface. I have financial pain as well as physical. I wish i was a good money manager. I need a second job really to keep aflloat but my health conditions make that a tough one to come by. I wish we had ways to all have money enough to get by, really makes me wonder about the poor countries and how they have managed living with poverty for who knows how long. I wish I didn't have the struggles i have inside with fear,trust,abandonment and such. Part of me has always had a battle with believing anything good will eventually be taken away. Especially people. I have so many fantastic people i have met and made friends on here, and a part of me has that sabotage fear i will somehow manage to make them leave or not want to be friends anymore. This is totally a nonrational thing and something that i know relates to losing my dad. I get choked up saying it even. I love being an actor and being able to make it appear all is fine even when so much feels like its caving in. Don't we all have our game faces though??? Especially around other believers at times we just don't want to be vulnearble or open to being hurt or wounded more.

I just needed to share and let some of the pressure off here. I am so thankful for encouragement and prayers and support from any and everyone!!!! Lean On Me surely is a very apropos message that is shown all throughout Gods Word. So good to have a place to share,good bad and the ugly and know it is ok. Water, my mantra needs to be water!!! Bye bye pop water needs to be the choice please God help me to choose it, so addicted to pop.


At 10:44 AM, Blogger Sherry said...

Hey Robert,

Just a quick note to encourage you, as your words have often encouraged me. I'm talking about your comments left on Barbara's blog - they're always filled with kindness & hope. Sometimes our comments have crossed paths. I should have gotten over here sooner to let you know that I appreciate YOU for you.

Everyone seems to have a mask up - & it's just as prevalent among Christians, if not more so. And yet, I've found if I take the time to really get to know someone, everyone struggles with something.

In your previous post, you mentioned the possibility of your seeming weaknesses, being your strengths (something like that...) I believe that - I know It took me years to realize there was nothing wrong with being quiet, the world needs MORE good listeners, and there's always kindred spirits out there.

Take care, Robert. Will remember you in prayer both for your current physical problems and finances. (Don't forget to drink your water!)

At 2:37 PM, Blogger Cathy W said...

Robert, please allow me to encourage you to health. I know the struggles that can come from eating (see my testimony on www.tunethetemple.com).

We have quite a privilege of being the Lord's vessels of love to the world - as explained in 1 Cor 6:19,20 (your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit for His use and glory!) He has created you unique and special - in His image!

Allow me to congratulate you on seeing a specialist and taking the steps needed for your diabetes. This is a big step on your part. May I further encourage you to see yourself as uniquely and wonderfully made and worthy of following the eating suggestions.

I truly believe the Lord has incredible things in store for you, Robert! Take care of this body He has given you so that you will have the stamina to "change the atmosphere wherever you go" as you follow His lead!

At 12:14 AM, Blogger Kelly Jene said...

Since the fall, our mind has become our worst enemy. It's terrible. And as you said, physical pain can make everything worse. I hear you on the finances... oh boy do I hear you. Ugh.

Please take care of your health. It is hard to do the right thing when you're so used to doing your own thing, but you need to take control. Pray daily. Put a prayer up on your fridge. Anything that can help steer you in the right direction.

Hugs and blessing to you brother.

At 6:55 AM, Blogger bjk said...

Keep going brother right smack dab into naked and vulnerable....like a fish out of water gasping and yet...I think it may be right where HE wants us....thanks Robert...thanks

At 2:45 PM, Blogger Robert said...

I left a comment here the other day but somehow it didnt print. Sherry- thanks so much for your words. I have seen you at barbaras place as well. you always are very encouraging. I DO think our weaknesses become our strengths, just hard to lean into them so often. I have been drinking only water for 4 days now :)

cathy- thanks so much for your wisdom and ministry you have. I plan to daily take steps to respect my body being the temple He created it to be. Your blog is real impetus to help us who struggle with our bodies and emotions.

kellyjene-very good advice there, posting a prayer of commitment surely would help as a constant reminder love your stories and hope your book continues to be known by more and more.

becky- naked and vulnerable yes indeed please keep on using Sceipture as you share your analogies and your journey always following along with you


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