sometimes its hard

I had a severe gout attack last week, couldn't go to work because i couldn't walk. Finally it went away, only to come back again thursday and just as painful. What is so hard is that my eating habits most likely are the cause of it occurring. I have type 2 diabetes and met with a specialist on how to change habits and such. Somehow I find ways to let my mind either go into denial or just craziness because I drink pop and eat bad stuff, knowing the consequences. It is analogous to sin really. Sin is crazy and insane. It goes against what we know is best for us and Who loves us most, yet we still do it all the time. We all have a lil bit of insanity in us.

The devil is supposed to be the epitome of evil right??? Jeremiah 17:9 says the heart is deceitful and wicked ABOVE ALL OTHERS who can know it??? See my emphasis??? If satan is the ultimate wicked one and Scripture declares our hearts to be so and satan means accuser/adversary well i wonder who satan really is??? This is a very controversial topic because tradition has us believing satan is a fallen angel with supernatural powers rivaling Gods. Nicodemus noted though that only God had the power to accomplish miracles and supernatural occurrences. Just a lil something to chew on.

Pain really does hit below the surface. I have financial pain as well as physical. I wish i was a good money manager. I need a second job really to keep aflloat but my health conditions make that a tough one to come by. I wish we had ways to all have money enough to get by, really makes me wonder about the poor countries and how they have managed living with poverty for who knows how long. I wish I didn't have the struggles i have inside with fear,trust,abandonment and such. Part of me has always had a battle with believing anything good will eventually be taken away. Especially people. I have so many fantastic people i have met and made friends on here, and a part of me has that sabotage fear i will somehow manage to make them leave or not want to be friends anymore. This is totally a nonrational thing and something that i know relates to losing my dad. I get choked up saying it even. I love being an actor and being able to make it appear all is fine even when so much feels like its caving in. Don't we all have our game faces though??? Especially around other believers at times we just don't want to be vulnearble or open to being hurt or wounded more.

I just needed to share and let some of the pressure off here. I am so thankful for encouragement and prayers and support from any and everyone!!!! Lean On Me surely is a very apropos message that is shown all throughout Gods Word. So good to have a place to share,good bad and the ugly and know it is ok. Water, my mantra needs to be water!!! Bye bye pop water needs to be the choice please God help me to choose it, so addicted to pop.