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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Security Where Art Thou??

I posted about seeking to understand the origins of my seemingly lifelong inner sense of insecurity and my journeying friend becky asked me where i got my security from??? Of course the *right answer* is God. Well, ultimately He is that,and Jesus is the One who makes that possible. I have thought about her question alot because I told her in reply that O seek security in many other places but ultimately end up turning to Jesus and God. What other places are there before where i ultimately end up???

This is one of those times when i wish I was programmed so i would not be able to turn to the right or the left. I have my inner voice, which may be a superego ot critical parent or hypersensitive conscience, whatever you want to call it. It finds a way to tell me- *of course you know the end result is Jesus and God you KNOW this why do you not just stay there always???* As I go about living moment by moment my security may be in a friends caring affection. It may be in the regular routine of life. It may be in a hope that things will work out even though chaos may ensue for a time. i also have going on with all this the thoughts that something could happen any second and all will end and i won't be able to do anything about it. The merry-go-round of these varied thoughts keep going round and round all day long, till i get to where i am just calling out to Jesus to help me just trust it all to Him.

I always have the *what-ifs* pinging my mind like a pinball machine which never stops. Jesus tells His disciples to be anxious for nothing, to not worry or fear and to turn everything over to God and His peace will comfort them. I take that and think YES!!!! Just rest in Gods love and protection,hakuna matata, no more worries!!!! BUT...... ugh that stupid but!!!! I have to bring up an alternative in my mind. What if cancer,heart attack,brain tumor,finacial devastation and who knows what else happen??? How can I just rest in Gods peace??? HOW???? Why does my mind find a seemingly endless cacophony of reasons why i must give in to worry and fear. Then I castigate myself for being the double-minded man who should not expect anything from God because he is unstable and foolish!!!! I ponder and wonder, how did i ever get seen by my atheist roommate as the best example of a christian he ever saw???? What a crazy mess!!!

I have never resolved the feelings/actions continuum either. I have this thing where I need a certain feeling to proceed onward in an action i want to take. Of course alot of things i just do without even thinking about what I'm feeling, I just do it to help or because i know iths the right thing to do. Sometimes it seems so hard to manage my emotions internally. If i have something make me feel a certain way I find it hard, on the inside, to just let the feeling go and move on. I will sulk and fuss inwardly although not revealing this outwardly. Something from another person ot some outside action will end up helping me adjust my mood.

Well becky, there is a myriad explanation. I wonder if most everyone,even the most mature of all, have struggles with resting in Gods peace and in trusting their security to Him moment by moment??? He gives me the chance to post this as i know every second of life is grace. Thanks as always for all who stop in and read as well as any who choose to comment!!!

1 Comments:

At 6:49 AM, Blogger Becky said...

Well becky, there is a myriad explanation. I wonder if most everyone,even the most mature of all, have struggles with resting in Gods peace and in trusting their security to Him moment by moment???

Of course we do and will always until the day we die..until then have contempt for contempt and stay in the battle....Thanks Robert

 

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