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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Why Don't You God?

Ever ask that question??? I know i do. Probably alot more than i even realize in my mind. Why don't you-fill in the blank- God??? I mean, does it not say right smack in the Gospels, ask and you shall recieve, knock and the door will be opened??? So,why don't You God??? I think the answer would be obvious if God were a magic genie but He is not. That verse does not intend to be making God a virtual cosmic bellhop or vending machine. Who is the one in charge here???

I have been contemplating the issues of pride and resistance. Pride is really wanting to trust in ones self, to take credit and want to have things go our own way. It can get turned upside down for christians though, feeling like we just cannot do anything and are just messed up and broken. Our vision gets blurred. Does not the Bible say we are Gods workmanship??? Aren't we to have victory in Christ?? Rejoice in the Lord always and be joyfilled always??? Indeed it does, but the other side of the coin acknowledges we are clay pots that leak, weak vessels who are easily cracked and broken. The victory does not come from our own efforts, much as we may want or think we want it too.

I have written so much about fear on here, have battled it and sought to escape it, dealt with it in endless ways. I think a root at the bottom of it is wanting to have MY way of overcoming it. I have felt weak and unable and so I want to be the one to overcome it. Of course, I want to do that in a way that bypasses hard work,pain,toughness in standing strong. i want fear to evaporate easily like air in a balloon. I want all the risk and unknown and scariness which is encapsulated in fear to be taken away, so then fear is overcome. Well, if fear could be handled that easily it would not be fear would it???

I think my heart trouble has been serving to teach me lessons God wants me to learn. He is the One who gave me life, who made my heart beat, my entire self exist, so Who else to entrust my death to but Him??? I have gone round and round with this so many times in my head, my feelings have always taken over and made me feel I have no chance at beating fear, but of course in my own strength that is true. Silly me loses sight in all this somehow that He ultimately takes care of fear no matter what it is. He doesn't make it all go away, but He is right there as it happens and once it goes. He will be there always no matter what my feelings may try and say at times. He embraces me even as I tremble and want it to just go away. He will see me through.

It is like a scared little boy resides inside me and everytime ultimate fear rears its head he goes on full alert wanting to chase it away. I feel and think like i have to be invincible and fearless whatever it may be, when Jesus tells me to accept my vulnerability, tell the little boy its ok and trust Him through it. I pray I keep learning this day by day more and more and find that this need to focus on fear will slowly leave just like the air in a balloon.


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