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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Should Be Simple

Another one of those seasons of angst it seems. Fear,holiness,obedience,justice,grace.forgiveness.love. These are all the heavy hitter themes within the Bible. I just don't know why I have twisted myself like a pretzel for so long. As i think back, i know my whole perception of reality was affected by my dads death. I have somehow tried to come to grips with it ever since, and i really never have in a certain sense. Faith in God and Jesus as overcoming death and giving eternal life is the answer. But then so many variants end up entering in, especially emotionally. One place it says *the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom* Then in New Covenant it says, *perfect love casteth out fear* The Old Covenant contains many incidents of severe judgment resulting in death and destruction, one just because a man slipped while carrying the ark of the Covenant. The New Covenant also contains some severe judgment and death, like Ananias and Sapphira.

Is hell as we have come to traditionally accept it or is it referring to the valley of Hinnom and was only meant for the jews Jesus was seeking to save since He was sent as He said to the *lost sheep of Israel*??? When Paul said *all Israel would be saved* does that mean Jesus was able to reconcile all of us back to Himself??? Does He love regardless of times of doubt and unbelief??? Does He use that to bring maturity?? How does He feel about a lifetime of bouncing between maturity,immaturity,weak faith,growing faith,wondering just what is going on??

I don't know. I committed my life to following Jesus and seeking to love God, my neighbor and myself, but i have had such a crummy time doing it so often. Do we all feel that way on and off?? How could my atheist roommate have said I was the best example of a christian he knew if i was so crummy at living it out??? Why have I felt so fearful of God all lifelong, so hard to internalize grace and perfect love, although I can realize it and recognize it for others and the genuine reality God wants it to be??? i know alot of this comes from sexual stuggles, having sought pleasure in ways that are not within a marriage relationship, just having sought pleasure as an escape from pain, even after i knew better. i have seen others share on this, but it just feels like an anchor holding me down, that i should never have done it ever to begin with.

i am just kinda rambling here, letting out the pain and struggle inside currently. Do most of us have this same stuff happeining inside that we hold in?? Like i said to title this it should be so simple. Lead me to love God....to love and love and love..


At 4:52 PM, Blogger Katherine Gunn said...

Hmm.... interesting train of thought. Just some things that come to mind - Revelation 12:9 linking the serpent and Satan.... and Revelation 19:20 seems to show death is not necessary to go to Lake of Fire....

At 3:31 PM, Blogger Katherine Gunn said...

Hmm... more thoughts. :-)
I struggle with internalizing God's love the way I know he feels it toward others. I think the heart of it, for me, is the lack of parental love growing up, coupled with the other abuses and the aftereffects of this, seem to create a barrier that I can't seem to breach. But....I have learned that a good deal of that is psychological, not spiritual, and is a normal part of abuse survival. Romans 7 & 8 actually talk about this, but unlike the religious spin I grew up with, the way I am beginning to see it is that sin is no longer the issue, rather a simple willingness to follow him and let him help us peel away the layers of hurt and damage and earth dirt instead of trying to get rid of it ourselves...


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