Should Be Simple

Another one of those seasons of angst it seems. Fear,holiness,obedience,justice,grace.forgiveness.love. These are all the heavy hitter themes within the Bible. I just don't know why I have twisted myself like a pretzel for so long. As i think back, i know my whole perception of reality was affected by my dads death. I have somehow tried to come to grips with it ever since, and i really never have in a certain sense. Faith in God and Jesus as overcoming death and giving eternal life is the answer. But then so many variants end up entering in, especially emotionally. One place it says *the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom* Then in New Covenant it says, *perfect love casteth out fear* The Old Covenant contains many incidents of severe judgment resulting in death and destruction, one just because a man slipped while carrying the ark of the Covenant. The New Covenant also contains some severe judgment and death, like Ananias and Sapphira.

Is hell as we have come to traditionally accept it or is it referring to the valley of Hinnom and was only meant for the jews Jesus was seeking to save since He was sent as He said to the *lost sheep of Israel*??? When Paul said *all Israel would be saved* does that mean Jesus was able to reconcile all of us back to Himself??? Does He love regardless of times of doubt and unbelief??? Does He use that to bring maturity?? How does He feel about a lifetime of bouncing between maturity,immaturity,weak faith,growing faith,wondering just what is going on??

I don't know. I committed my life to following Jesus and seeking to love God, my neighbor and myself, but i have had such a crummy time doing it so often. Do we all feel that way on and off?? How could my atheist roommate have said I was the best example of a christian he knew if i was so crummy at living it out??? Why have I felt so fearful of God all lifelong, so hard to internalize grace and perfect love, although I can realize it and recognize it for others and the genuine reality God wants it to be??? i know alot of this comes from sexual stuggles, having sought pleasure in ways that are not within a marriage relationship, just having sought pleasure as an escape from pain, even after i knew better. i have seen others share on this, but it just feels like an anchor holding me down, that i should never have done it ever to begin with.

i am just kinda rambling here, letting out the pain and struggle inside currently. Do most of us have this same stuff happeining inside that we hold in?? Like i said to title this it should be so simple. Lead me to love God....to love and love and love..