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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, November 14, 2010


That's how i want to express myself raw open baring all. I can see why many take anti-anxiety drugs with all the stress life brings. I know I continually feel as though I'm in a labrynth and paradox all at once. The story is so simple and so easy to follow: God created, man chose to disobey, God gives law which man cannot keep,God becomes flesh and dies to reconcile us back to Himself because His character and nature are Love.

Problem is all kinds of distortion happen to create roadblocks and deadends. I have had so many thoughts swirling in my head, now that I am writing they seem to fragment and float away grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. The whole notion of sin repentance and restoration have been running through my mind for awhile. Sin is so much more than simply doing wrong acts. It is attitude,resistance,rebellion. It permeates our very core even when we seek to achieve our highest ability. Atheists pay no mind to this because they don't believe God exists. Thus, no sin to worry about. They do accept the golden rule in regards to morality in most cases i think though. Do they have hidden aching deep in their inmost being wondering if God truly is real and all He claims to be???

I have written about my fears,my struggles,my weaknesses and such on here because I wanted to voice them out loud and also be an encourager to others who experience alot of the same things. Sometimes I feel I let all of it hide God though. God is good all the time, all the time God is good. Why o why have all this fear then?? Why have this endless wrestling match with myself over living in faith and obedience?? God is always here, no matter what i feel or think. But when i can't seem to feel Him or my thinking loses sight of Him, makes it seem as though He has vacated. Is it unbelief if you still hold onto the tiniest of hope even in the midst of feeling terrified and weak??

This may be a lil disjointed because i am scattered a bit right now. God is love but that does not remove pain,suffering and consequences from happening, at any time. He understands a struggle to seek His holiness and righteousness doesn't He?? I ask rhetorically for I do believe He does.

I have a friend who believes there is no forgiveness without repentance. Is this correct??? I know we need a repentance to accept Christ and His salvation He gives. But we all continually sin after turning to Him. So, is repentance ongoing??? Surely we commit acts where we dont repent, like outbursts of anger,pride,selfishness not to mention sins of omission. How does al lthat fit??? Is it covered by His grace and love??

Just thoughts flowing in my head. Ultimately God has final say, and that final say is Love. Help us all to know and realize to the uttermost just how amazing You are O God and to bathe in Your Love.


At 8:26 PM, Anonymous Mariam said...

Can there be forgiveness without repentance? Presumably if you are not repentant, you are not asking for forgiveness because you think there is nothing to forgive? Or do you mean we just sort of forget about a lot of our sins? or is it because there is a sin you don't want to give up? Sometimes that is my problem. For example lately I have been quite angry at a couple of people whonhave behaved badly towards me and some other people. It is very clear what I should do. Forgive them and turn the other cheek. But I don't want to forgive them. I want to continue to bad mouth them and fantasize about their demise. It kept me from personal prayer for months. Because basically I didn't want to do what i knew God wanted. But God keeps prodding me and waiting. I know that if I die tomorrow God will not send me to hell for my disobedience. We are constantly in a state of disobedience. But I can't be at peace with myself until i repent.

I once read about someone whose sins were weighing him down and he went to a priest to ask for absolution. He said "father, i have sinned. It has been 25 years since my last confession." He proceeded to being to itemize the many mistakes he had made over the years but the priest said, "That's OK. You don't have to name them all. Just kneel and tell God you are sorry. He will forgive you." the man felt cheated because he really wanted to get these things off his chest, however God does not need us to spend every second minute asking for forgiveness. God knows we will never be perfect in this human flesh. It is enough that we are mindful of our behavior and ask forgiveness for the things that the Holy Spirit has prodded us to remember. Each time we ask for forgiveness we are given a new slate. Jesus has already paid for your sins past and present. So you don't need to worry about God's mercy running out. God already knows all your deeds and thoughts, past and present. It's not like you have anything to hide. But if you are worried you can always add, "and please forgive me for any sins I have forgotten and give me strength to give up those which I am still committing."

At 7:55 PM, Blogger Robert said...

mariam- so great to see you my friend!!! Have missed you stopping by and hope all is going well for you. I am in full agreement with what you said in your comment. My friend just seems to have an unforgiving attitude about those who dont seek forgiveness. Hows that for paradox. I like how you worded it. God always extends His love grace forgiveness and mercy, but we fail to access it if we hold onto things we shouldnt, like different sins.

There is a forum I go on called TalkGrace.com I think you would enjoy it Mariam. We talk about anything and everything on there in a friendly cordial manner. So sad to have lost Gary,hope you have access to his memorial page on FaceBook

At 12:22 PM, Blogger karen said...

You're not alone. Fear is always present where God isn't. It's hard. We have a relationship with Him, but we still turn toward fear. I don't know any answers.


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