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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, January 08, 2012

1969

Quite a year. Moonlanding, Amazin Mets won the World Series. For me though, tragic- my dad passed away in august from malignant melanoma. I said the year because it stands as a symbol for me of so many things. Life, mystery,loss,pain,grief,hope,fun,change. All these things represented by one year. Incredible how that can be so.

I came across a blog today that has just blown me away at her candidness and humor in talking aboutr 2 topics that are like dueling shadows in my lefe- fear and death. Oh Em GEE!!!! Her name is Torre and shes in Australia my dream place i have always wanted to go too!!!! Torre puts into words and story so much of what I think and feel and attempt to say in my dubious renderings lol. www.fearfuladventurer.com I know i will now be a frequent reader of hers :)

Fear and death became endlessly entertwined for me inwardly in 1969. I dont think a day has gone by since my mom told my sister and I that our dad had died without those 2 lurking around in my consciousness. When will it happen to me??? How??? Why?? Any way to stop it, escape it or avoid it??? Death happens to all of us, accept it and live life. Welll yes but....... For me, the reality of it happening overshadowed being able to accept it. Plus, knowing I should accept and move on but was not doing so, just made it doubly bad!!!!

Torre has quotes from different people, mainly I think people who sail and face fear and death on the open sea. They share their coping techniques. Very cool to read. It is a huge help to discover someone who talks about these things in this way!!!!! The awesome thing about Torre is she takes risks ANYWAY!!! Having the fear there the wh9le time!!!! She makes a wonderful point about expanding your comfort zone lil by lil day by day and week by week. Superb insight and advice indeed.

My *inner voice* seems to delight in making me feel shame.guilt,embarrasment and despair over having my fears and over lost opportunities over time because of them. Well, I cant tell my *inner voice* to take a hike and realize it is NOT Gods voice!!!!!! Linking the 2 has been like quicksand, slowly surely pulling me down, despite trying to find all kinds of ways to break free!!!! God spoke to me through Torres words He didnt audibly whisper in my ear YOUR Ok and He most likely never will speak that way!!!!! I just am processing all I read on Torres blog and how God is helping me with it too. Fear can be like a nagging habit, just wont seem to go away even when it has been discarded. Key is the negative power of it can be disarmed!!! Praise GOD!!!!! Here is to 2012 being a letting go of 1969 and breaking free from fear and death as shadows that haunt. I will seek to wave and wink at them best i can hopefully!!!

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