Help

Been a longggggggg time since last post. Just lots going on inside my head. The image of who I want to be *in Christ* vs who I see reflecting back in the mirror. Thinking back to my atheist roommate in Bible College- yes a secular school was allowed to live in our dorms. He said i was the best example of a christian he knew. What happened since then??

Does God just want good behavior??? No, He wants good hearts, He wants love. Why then does so much violence happen and seem to go unchecked?? So much pain and agony experienced by so many for so long??? Countries and parts of the world who know nothing of what Americans call *the good life* at all ever??

I had a tragedy occur very recently with a relative taking their own life. They left behind incredible people who will have to deal with this the rest of their lives. Why?? No note left to give any reason, no telling of truly loving his kids so they would at least have that to have toi hold onto when painful memories hit. Why??? I know intellectually and in faith. My emotions though, as for what seems like forever,can't quite get a grip. I want to live in love and just let it flow like a river. I struggle, I waver, i fail. Help O God Please help.