anger

This is the emotion i am least familiar with and most afraid of. I have always been a *gentle giant* always been very even-tempered,very long fuse. I am introverted so i think that led to my internalizing all anger at a very young age. I have just thought about this as i have purchased several books on fatherloss and how to accept/grieve/deal with the loss of your father. My dad died when i was 8. He had skin cancer whichj he contracted in the army, and it never went away. My mom was his nurse in the army, that's how they met and eventually married. i always told her it should be a movie. I really am impressed by her courage in marrying someone she knew had a potentially fatal illness and might not live a lonmg time. Love doesn't worry about such things.

I think i bottled up my anger early on because i didnt like feeling it. Also I was always told i might hurt someone because i was strong and big for my age. Like i said in my previous post about *physical appearance* i was often the object of severe teasing or being picked on, some of this had to do with my passive nature im sure. Those doing it wanted to push me to have me react. Instead of fighting back,either physically or verbally, i would just take it. Try to act like it rolled off my back and just wait it out, hoping they woulkd quit soon. I internalized it and directed it at myself which is why i think i have had high blood pressure from a very young age as well as having fear and anxiety. i think my fear comes from not knowing how to deal with anger. i had one instance in college, a guy came over messing around, started to run his hands over my head and face i was sitting i na chair, he grabbed me and kept doing it. i warned him to stop and he wouldnt something snapped in me like a return to 7th grade and i jumped up and took a hard swing, barely missing his head. He looke at me wide-eyed and began apologizing, i think if i had connected it would have taken his head off. i was shaking after for a long time hated feeling like that. i find it easy to get aggravated over silly stuff like waiting at a traffic light, my machine at work not working right, vewnding machine taking my money- you know small stuff. i really have a very tought time understanding how to correctly handle anger.. so much so i dont even let myself feel it as best i can. Another control issue im sure.

Can anger and fear be closely intertwined??? Can fear be a mask hiding anger from being expressed???? have to think out loud here. i am a psychologist in the making.... half a Masters degree completed but this is a foreign area for me blind spot or blocked spot i guess. Any other who share a similar struggle???? Is anger something you are comfortable with???? i hope these books on fatherloss may provide me insights and releases emotionally i have somehow missed. Look forward to responses as always!!!