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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Sunday, August 27, 2006

anger

This is the emotion i am least familiar with and most afraid of. I have always been a *gentle giant* always been very even-tempered,very long fuse. I am introverted so i think that led to my internalizing all anger at a very young age. I have just thought about this as i have purchased several books on fatherloss and how to accept/grieve/deal with the loss of your father. My dad died when i was 8. He had skin cancer whichj he contracted in the army, and it never went away. My mom was his nurse in the army, that's how they met and eventually married. i always told her it should be a movie. I really am impressed by her courage in marrying someone she knew had a potentially fatal illness and might not live a lonmg time. Love doesn't worry about such things.

I think i bottled up my anger early on because i didnt like feeling it. Also I was always told i might hurt someone because i was strong and big for my age. Like i said in my previous post about *physical appearance* i was often the object of severe teasing or being picked on, some of this had to do with my passive nature im sure. Those doing it wanted to push me to have me react. Instead of fighting back,either physically or verbally, i would just take it. Try to act like it rolled off my back and just wait it out, hoping they woulkd quit soon. I internalized it and directed it at myself which is why i think i have had high blood pressure from a very young age as well as having fear and anxiety. i think my fear comes from not knowing how to deal with anger. i had one instance in college, a guy came over messing around, started to run his hands over my head and face i was sitting i na chair, he grabbed me and kept doing it. i warned him to stop and he wouldnt something snapped in me like a return to 7th grade and i jumped up and took a hard swing, barely missing his head. He looke at me wide-eyed and began apologizing, i think if i had connected it would have taken his head off. i was shaking after for a long time hated feeling like that. i find it easy to get aggravated over silly stuff like waiting at a traffic light, my machine at work not working right, vewnding machine taking my money- you know small stuff. i really have a very tought time understanding how to correctly handle anger.. so much so i dont even let myself feel it as best i can. Another control issue im sure.

Can anger and fear be closely intertwined??? Can fear be a mask hiding anger from being expressed???? have to think out loud here. i am a psychologist in the making.... half a Masters degree completed but this is a foreign area for me blind spot or blocked spot i guess. Any other who share a similar struggle???? Is anger something you are comfortable with???? i hope these books on fatherloss may provide me insights and releases emotionally i have somehow missed. Look forward to responses as always!!!

3 Comments:

At 3:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I will have to think about this and come back but off the top of my head I've often read that the two are closely related. I have a lot more fear than anger - OR is all my anger repressed? I say I have forgiven the abusers of my past, but have I? Do I harbor anger? I don't know. I know I am very depressed and "they" also say that depression is anger focused inward. Who knows.

 
At 4:06 PM, Blogger Karen said...

Anger is tied to several emotions, and yes, fear. Getting angry doesn't mean you're a bad person, it's how you choose to react or not react. Anger will build up and explode on someone or another experience that is totally unrelated. I had anger, built up in me for over 16 years and when the whole reason for it came out (I was abused), it was horrible. So much so that I couldn't stand to be around myself. I had to learn how to let out the anger constructively. It took years to work through all of that.

I can't imagine the anger you feel and have felt in losing your father at a young age. That type of anger mixed with the trauma you did growing up, can eat at you if not let out. There are ways you can deal with it, work out, write about your feelings (hand-written in a notebook, it doesn't have to make sense, just get them out), or any way you feel comfortable. The next step is to forgive, not only those who wronged you but forgive yourself. They will always have a hold on you, until you do.

How awful they must have felt about who they were (inside) to pick on you like they did. Kids can be so cruel and most likely, now that they're adults, they've had something they've had to deal with as you did. What goes around, comes around. It's good you didn't stoop to their level, on a regular basis, but it sounds like they got what they deserved when you did.

 
At 7:13 PM, Blogger Allison said...

Thank you for the nice comment that you left on my blog. I really appreciate it!

 

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