feelings of terminal illness

In thinking about my dad this idea came to my consciousness. I wonder how he FELT all during the time once he knew he was fully terminal??? i have heard alot of stories about him, stories which acclaim to his strength, courage,humor and endurance. Im sure they were a lil embellished at times because they were told by close friends, fellow cops or family. I know from asking my mom he went through several surguries. One to remove a lung, which left a huge scar on his chest that i can recall seeing. More on his forehead and who knows where else since he had skin cancer. He was a patrol officer in new jersey, near the newark riots when they were going on. I heard stories about him being pinned by snipers and other dangerous scenarios. I can;t imagine being a cop im way too emotionally vulnerable to handle the stress of being a cop.

A vivcid memory i have is of my dad in the pool we had in our backyard, and he played like he was dead, holding his face down in the water floating stiff, not moving. i recall not liking him doing it, even though it was a joke, he did it for extendee periods of time. i had no clue that in reality he WAS dying!!!! I wonder why he would do that??? Our mens group at church last year went through a study of the book *Wild at Heart* a book based on the need for men to recapture the natural wildness of spirit in wanting to take risks and be warriors and cowboys knights seeking to take on challenges and woo fair maidens. Several videos were made with the series to show a group of men along with the author john Eldredge and how they sought to become ... wild at heart. All the men spoke of the relationships they had with their fathers. Most of them were very strained and distant, some even abusive. They became very emotional discussing it. i sat through it all fine didnt even feel anything welling up inside me. Then, the video ended and we were asked to share about what we felt from the video. i started to say something when my throat caught and i just wept,,,,, i couldn't speak.... a torrent of tears. When i finally composed myself enough to speak, i said it was like i had snapshots of my dad... small photos or slides of various activities we did together... and then blank all goes black!!!! None of the guys there really knew whatto say to me so i just kinda composed myself and we finished our meeting.


One of my deepest fears is how dying will feel. i have a very overactive imagination and can imagine drowning, being shot, getting a killer disease,gasping for breath all kinds of stuff. I get more afraid because i know Jesus has saved me and i shouldnt worry about how i will die or what pain i will experience because He went thru it all for me. Yet, it is there!!!! I have spent so many nights on my knees just pleading and begging god to take away my fear of death and of pain sometimes it seems He does by just covering me with His hand and filling me with a peace and comfort only attributed to Him. Yet still the fear rears its ugly head on and off all the time. I take comfort in the facft that John the Baptist, who led the way to declare Jesus God and who baptized Jesus Himself when he was about to be beheaded by King herod sent a messenger to Jesus asking... You are the One right???? LOL Even John the baptist had doubts and fears!!!!! I think often i want the faith OF Jesus rather than the faith IN Jesus!!!!

Long post.... for all who have waded through it all share any thoughts. Im curious if any others, even with the promise and hope of eternal life and salvation...... still struggle with fears and doubts????? It is a very freeing thing this opportunity to share from my heart and soul about life and the living it. Thanks for taking time to stop by and to comment if you feel so led.