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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Faking out my Mind

This is something I sooooooooooo want to do several times almost every single day!!!! My mind can get stuck on a few *themes* it seems, and just run them over and over again and again. I seek for ingenious ways with which to fake myself out but to no avail. Our individual thoughts we all deal with have been cropping up as subject matter lately. I never cease to be amazed how at times so many varied people can all collectively be focused in upon a solitary issue, or issues. I wanted to share a few of the quandaries i jumble around with as far as mental gymnastics go ( hope i do not crash on the uneven bars again ouch!!)

I stress about certain things which happened when i was 14....14!!!!!! I am NOT that same kid in that same set of circumstances yet, mentally/emotionally/relationally I stumble inside as though I AM still there like i was attimes, and still get all tied up in knots over some of the same issues back then.

I do not want to have fear..... fear springs up out of nowhere at times sometimes i can muster courage to go on despite it sometimes i grin and bear it as it rages inside sometimes I don't know how or why but it vanishes. How do you make yourself not afraid???? I have been on airplanes, sweating and almost hyperventilating my mind just anxious rivulet of thought one after another saying... *it will be ok,,,, it will be all right...* while struggling to not let it absolutely drive me into a freefall panic. I have had times where i felt that sense of dread happen and somehow found a way to let it pass by or just not give in and allow it to grip me in its viselike powerhold. i have no idea how i know I WANT to ALWAYS overcome fear..... oh to shut it down and choke it into oblivion!!!!! How do we get our minds to be fearless????

i want to approach all things with confidence, yet so many times i fail in this and become overwrought with self-doubt, worry criticism and other ravagers of the soul which gang up like a mob ready to perform a lynching. My mind plays back these shadows of events that happened which caused me to lose confidence for whatever reason and the same shadows twist and spin and converge in ways which remove all hope or reason to allow or expect any semblance of confidence to remain.

As i type these lil scenarios they seemed to lose a lil of their power that they all too greedily own when existing only within my troubled psyche. I always am very appreciative to read personal stories of others who deal with their own *mental shadows* and how things turn out. Always a challenge to self-edit. What do I leave in???? What do i leave out???? Does this help the telling of the story or hinder??? increase excitement or add to dullness???? Ah the joys of being a writer or storyteller, whatever forum it may take place in. I can't wait to read many more of YOU out there and your own tales, as well as to recieve comments.


At 12:24 PM, Blogger Smitty said...

My mind wonders constantly...it likes to think about and run away with thoughts that can become very consuming. Its most favorite time to run is at work, if I am not extremely busy or at night when it is time to go to sleep. Sometimes I just let it run its course, allowing it to "take over" the rest of my day. Other times I can compartmentalize my thoughts until another time when I am able to sort through them. This however only works if I make time later to sort through them. Usually...I don't.

So, I most definetly understand where you are coming from, yet I don't have the answers you are looking for. I think blogging or journaling is a great way to help get those thoughts out of your head and maybe get some sort of handle on them.

At 4:16 PM, Anonymous Bar said...

Hey Roberto, sorry I haven't been around. Been busy faking out my mind.

I think I see the light....again.

At 6:42 PM, Blogger Melissa said...


Ironic or Divine...your post is something I needed to hear. My 'old' fears seem to be coming back to bite hard and I don't really understand why...it's painful, scary, and frustrating. I've never been able to get a grasp on how to get a hold of fear, I try to lean on God, but I'm rarely any good at that, so I just freak. Thank you for yoru insight...God bless you!


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