faith,fear,feelings and other fun stuff

MY good friend barbara and I had a good chat last night on yahoo. She posted on her blog today, sharing on some areas of stuff we talked about. She is so incredible in how she lays her soul out in the open wanting to touch others. My buddy gary at *blessed are the poor in spirit* as well as my sweet friends bjk at *in the quiet* and laura at *crockpot faith* also touch on similar themes. I think it is NOT a mere coincidence so many of us, and yes Im quite sure many more of you also are dealing with same stuff. I think God does want His people to find healin and hope especially in community and when seeking after Him.

Fear, more so than doubt has been my *monkey on my back* as long as i can recall. Although i guess doubt has to creep in to fear and become intermingled somehow. Are there various and differing levels of fear???? Do we choose fear or is it thrust upon us??? Why does fear linger when we don;t want it???I have some weird dealings with fear. I remember being at magic mountain a thrill park in so california. They have a rollercoaster there called COLLOSSUS and i am NO FAN of coasters!!!! My friend was there with me my mom sister and another friend. Somehow he and my sister talked me and my mom into going on it. i must have been temporarily insane!!!! I stodd in line trying to psych myself up because deep inside i wasnted to bolt from the line and sit it out!!!! I finally got on that climb the slowwwwwwwwwwwwwww steep one up the first huge hill................... I thought my heart was going to stop i was SOOOOOOOOOOO SCAREDDDDDDDDDDDDDD we make it up the hill look down and then WWWWWWWWHOSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH we zoom down the hill AND I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i could not believe how fun it wa sand felt i was shocked!!!!! Needless to say i havent been back on coasters since BUT i am still amazed at how the ACTUAL RIDE WAS... as opposed to what i feared it would be.

This seems to be a parallel to relating to God i think. So afraid of what i think will happen and so often God makes it sooooooooooooo FUN soooooooooooo COOL My bigger struggle is that i treat fear now as though it is a noose around my neck, just waiting to hang me. I think back and reflect *ok, i have been a believer since i was 16, a baptized believer that is. i should have had fear taken care of waaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy back then so whats my deal???* I couple this with thinking about verses like the servant who arrives in heaven and hears God and Jesus say *well done thou good and faithful servant* and I want to go hide in a closet because well what if you HAVENT been a good and faithful servant???? In lots of ways hopefully I have been and seek to be a good faithful servant but my fears my failings and foulups seem to prevail in staying at the forefront of my consciousness.

One thing i have been contemplating. Calvinists (which i am not one) point to the verse where Jesus talks about being the Shephard and His sheep hear and know His voice and so know they are *elect* Well, surely Peter knew Jesus voice, yet he denied Him 3 times. John the Baptist knew, and yet when he was about to be beheaded, he sent a messenger to Jesus asking Him, *hey dude You ARE the MAN right???? Im about to lose my head here so please tell me your the MAN!!!! If these 2 who were as close to Jesus as any of us could ever dream to be, could have these times of fear doubt and unbelief well then maybe God DOES allow for me to go through them, and not have carte blanche to be free of them and live happily ever after on to heaven i go. Maybe just maybe, all the struggling with fears and doubts and unworthiness has a PURPOSE????? Maybe if I let go of trying to turn myself inside out from looking at myself in every possible way that im sure i would make a fantastic pretzel i would SEE all the others meaning almost EVERYONE christian or not deals with all these things to some extent or another and in the sharing comes the relief and wisdom with which to deal. I find blogging to be just such a happening. I really praise God and have real joy from blogging and sharing with so many out here in blog community!!!!! i think while writing this post God in His unique way has helped me to find answers to the very questions i raised at the outset. How amazing is He anyway???? Blessings be yours all of you out there in life!!!!!