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pursuing the upward call with fear and trembling

just a 44 year old man seeking to share my meanderings with the world at large or the blogosphere at small

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Unlearning Fear

i had a very good lil online chat with my friend smitty over at crockpot faith earlier today. We have shared some common struggles together in seeking to deepen our relationship with God. Something she mentioned really stuck out along the lines of just being able to have it be a realization emotionally in the present all the time that God IS God and that it is ok we don't have a complete intellectual stranglehold on Him and having Him totally figured out!!!! It hit me like a brick WOW GOD IS NOT A PUZZLE TO PUT TOGETHER AND SOLVE!!!!! i mean, mentally that is a foregone conclusion, but emotionally, heart-level wise oooooooooooooooooooo boyyyyyyyyyyyyy so very tough to digest. It is sinking in more and more day by day the reality that God IS emotionally PRESENT ALWAYS!!!!! For those of you blessed souls who experience this daily and for whom it seems as natrual as breathing oh my i would love to strangle you for being so fortunate!!!! LOL Not really, just pray i can achieve that state of intimacy with God on a moment by moment basis. painful experiences seem to create a fog which blots out that reality for me far topo often. i feel soooooooooooooo much more comfortable with the mental/intellectual,analytical aspects of knowingand relating to God. So wonderful how He has been answering my hearts desire and my seeking to know Him much more intiomately even if its NOT the way i envisoned for Him to answer me.

God is with me. even when i DONT feel Him!!!!!!!!! WOW He may not want to give me a feeling of Him at times to wean me off my babystepd and help me to more mature resting in faith. I am sooooooooooooooo glad God does not have a measuring cup for us all to judge the amount of faith we each have. Only HE KNOWS!!!! Maddening when anyone says to someone..... *well if you only had more faith then...... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! Then what???? Just how much faith do YOU have jobs comforter????? God knows our weakness and allows room for faith to grow a whole LIFETIME!!!!! After my catch-22 post the other night i just went and laid on my bed and cried bitterly, just wanting to pour out my pain to Him. I didnt feel anything for a bit and was becoming angry at myself wondering see you dont even want God eve nas you cry to Him and then He let lose the gates and i just cried to Him for awhile He was there and He was there as HE CHOSE!!!!! I praise Him he is a truly great GOD who allows for such incredible changes from His creation. I praise Him He protects me no matter how crazy and bizarre i may let myself get at various times. keep changing my heart Father God help me to fear less trust more and to desire to know You moment by moment seeking to be filled with You constantly!!!!


At 7:18 PM, Anonymous BarBarA said...

Hey Roberto, your on fire these days - great posts. I am so glad God does NOT have a measuring cup of any size shape or form!!

At 8:14 PM, Blogger Smitty said...

Thanks for the mention in your post! I enjoyed our lil' chat today and hopefully we can have more of them.

Oh to be able to say, no to be able to BELIEVE in my heart, that I can trust God even when I don't understand all that I want to about who He is or how He works would be a grand thing! I can say with my mouth that He is not a puzzle to solve, but my heart and my counselor would tell you that I think differently. I know that I can't figure Him out, but for some reason, I think I should be able to at least get the answers to my questions. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that's not going to happen, or at least most of my questions won't be answered. But, I am still trying to find the answers, instead of leaving them as they are and trusting in a God who I don't understand. Such is the journey....

At 9:29 AM, Blogger bjk said...

What are we all going to do living these upside down lives these days.....keep on writing!!


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