catch 22

That was a good book and movie in the 60's. Pretty much a cliche for being in a no-win scenario. I feel that way at times. I am to be open, genuine real acknowledge my sin and struggles letting go the mask or facade to show I don't have it all together and that is genuine. However ion doing so I get labeled hypocrite, especially since i was seeking to be a minister and leader in the church. i did not purposely intend to decieve or create a false identity. My area of sin i fell into and struggled with happens to be very inflammatory and anathema to ministry and the church overall. On one hand I see God's grace and mercy, His patience and lovingkndness on the other His wrath anger justice judgement. He hates sin!!! Is His love meant to be extended to sinners who have yet to repent and acknowledge Jesus as Lord and Savior??/ Does He reserve severe judgement for one who gets caught in addictive sin once he has been a believer awhile???? I had such a wonderful time last night contemplatiung on God and jesus. Realizing how I had distortions so often and that, especially since he is Omnipresent then God is ALWAYS present EVERYWHERE!!!! He was there when my dad first got cancer, there when he took his last breath, there when i went through anything and everything painful and hurtful. God is soooooooooooo AWESOME He chose to become one of us and allow Himself to DIE!!!!!!!!!!! GOD DIED!!!!!!! There is a song we sing and one of the choruses is *I'll never know how much it cost to see my sins upon that cross*

I am just wanting to let out my thoughts here. I have sought to be a genuine follower of God while at the sametime seeking to lay to rest struggles and doubts and fears. I tried a very long time to bury the strugggles and dismiss them as satan trying to mess me up. I want to be transparent as one who loves God but at times also loves sin, choosing my way instead of His way. Grace Judgment I have no greater desire than to trust and love Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit and yet have something in me that wants to hide or feels unable,unworthy or unwilling. I feel bad writing this because a big part of me wants to avoid anything negative and not worry about mnyself, so many people going through so much in their lives. I read so many inspirational stories of lil kids with such pure hearts and spirits of love and faith in God who are facing severe physical limitations or mental ones. others going through excruciating pain of various natures, physical,emotional ,spiritual. Why have i struggled so long with my fears???? With my seeking to avoid pain and in some ways avoid God??? it is so different alot how i feel inside and how i interact with people. I LOVE sharing encouraging being involved with people and giving whatever to help. But i cant escape the accuser who hammers me for past failures and present ones unceasingly.

Help me to find the place Paul talks about God. To be content no matter what because You are in control and I rest in You. help me to know Your love grace and forgiveness in ways that will transform me and lead me to stay on the road where You remove me from being in a comfort zone or lazy or selfish. Please help me to have a heart that wants nothing less than ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!! I want to be in eternity in heaven with you help me to fix my eyes on Jesus so i will have that reality so deep inside me it cannot but help to oooze out in how i think live and act. Please help me to not be satisfied with knowing about you and having You so fully in my mind. fill my heart and soul so i KNOW YOU WITH MY ENTIRE BEING!!!! You are an AWESOME GOD!!!! help me to love that moment by moment God!!!!! Thank you for seeking me and for shining Your light so deep to transform me so i will seek You with passion and hunger. Thank you for all who challenge me to desire You and hold nothing back.