tensions

I am feeling them today, well feel them almost everyday. God has a whole lot of qualities in His character. Holiness and Righteousness, Grace and Mercy. Sin is a MAJOR DEAL to God. I have always heard sin defined as *missing the mark* Falling short of God's perfection. Sin is sooooooooooooooooo horrific Jesus took all of it on Himself and died on the cross in OUR place, paying the penalty for us. Jesus paid the atonement once and for all. When God looks at us who belong to Christ, He sees Jesus and the price He paid. Therefore we need not fret and stress over our sins. Even as christians,m we still sin. EVERYDAY!!! 1 John contains the verse, *if we confess our sins He is faithful and juast to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness* WOW!!!! Sooooooooooooooo powerful!!! Why then do i struggle with shame and guilt over my sins so often and have a feeling as though God is looking down at me with a stern lok ready to spank me for being bad and punish me severely. I feel the tension between these 2 separate parts of God. i love to tell others about Him, to seek to be like Jesus in loving people and compassion. yet i also have a stubborn, rebellious lil kid inside who wants to get away with stuff and act like He didnt see. I know this is really the struggle we all have as a result of being human. I get torn as to the desire and wanting to be holy and fully mature as He calls me to, and the reality of all my shoercomings and failures and even times where I just dont want to obey.

God and Jesus display such incredible actos of love grace and forgiveness all throughout the Bible. Paul tells us *while we were yet sinners* Christ died for us!!!!! *God so loved the world* Hmmmmmm the *world* was one consisting of sinners who rejected Him. yet at the sametime He portrays severe judgment when believers lack faith or commit sins or fail to persevere in carrying out the commitment he asks of us once we begin to follow. i dont understand why I have such a hard time just walking in faith and resting in the yoke jesus says he would give. I make it so hard, and my mind finds ways to make God so hard. I wonder how many of us have these internal volcanoes inside. We all look so alike on the outside. We all can wear many masks which leave no clue as to our internal battles, I think that is a huge call for why God declared us His church and not His individuals!!!!! By revealing ourselves to each other we all encourage each other to know God loves us as we are. I am blown away by the transparency shown by so many out here. Sure wish we could actually meet face to face!!! In eternity someday!!!! I pray as i open up and reveal and hear from you as well these tensions will lessen.

God doesnt want me to live in constant worry im a colossal failure to Him and just give up and feel like he would rather i end up in hell does He????? This is the message my inner demon that tortures my thoughts tries to tell me all the time. This voice wants to make me believe ai have too much fear, too much failure, too much failure to obey as i need to. I NEED others to counteract this voice, because on my own i just cannot do it. I am conflicted writing this because alot of the time God shows me His love and grace and He does give me glimpses of how He wants me to walk in His steps and follw the journey. But, I have these struggles and they eat at me inside. I have no real outlet really apart from here right now at least to share them so i thank God He provides the blogosphere to be here!!!!! Thank all of you who stob by, peek in, and maybe even comment. Being able to share all this helps remind me GOD IS GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!